by Kevin Campkin

Created on: January 08, 2007   Last Updated: March 17, 2007

I've never believed in that old chestnut about living life for the moment because you might be struck by a bus tomorrow. To be honest, that seems like an invitation for thrill-seeking morons to throw themselves down busy high streets in shopping carts where, inevitably and ironically, they will probably be pancaked-flat by the number 31 doing its rounds. More accurately, one might change the adage to the idea of living for the moment, lest you have to DO THE GROCERY SHOPPING tomorrow.

Horror of horrors.

I worked in a supermarket for about two years in my youth (ha! - I'm twenty three..), and part of my interview involved me sitting next to my potential manager and boss whilst he showed me what is without doubt one of the funniest videos I have ever seen - made more torturous by the fact I was trying to take it seriously, thinking that a blurt of laughter might compromise my job prospects.

The video was called something like 'What Can Go Wrong!' but a better title would have been something like 'Supermarkets Greatest Mishaps'. This video had everything that anyone with a normal sense of humour simply should not find remotely funny. Witness the man slip on a piece of toilet paper left on the floor unattended and watch him heroically - in full superman flying pose - launch himself through an entire display tower of canned fruit. Marvel at the street thugs trying to attack an employee who break off their threatening behaviour to take off most of their clothes before wading into the fray. Surpress your sniggers at the woman who fails to reach the top shelf of bread and instead tips them all on herself. (I think she was just an attention seeker to be honest). And bite your lip at the enormous caged container on wheels full of stock and supplies that rolls off the back of a lorry just missing a mother and baby whilst the employee in charge of it makes no attempt to stop it but commando rolls out of the way to save his own skin.

I was nearly in tears. And working there, I got the feeling that these weren't isolated incidents. I watched an overhead sign, with such amazing and acute accuracy that the American Infantry can probably only dream of, fall directly onto the bridge of a woman's nose, flooring her. I saw a freezer containing frozen food give everything who touched it an electric shock lethal enough to make one jerk their hand back violently - enough for one customer to react not realising he had someone over his shoulder, whom he promptly floored as well. Later

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