How do you know when you love someone? How do you know what is love? When you like someone, do you necessarily love them? Is there any difference between the two anyway?
In the secular opinion, love is a feeling. You meet someone, fall in love because of a variety of reasons very quickly & you think you love that person.
But love in that setting is fleeting, albeit not lasting.
It probably sounds cliched to some. I had a hard time trying to grapple with it. We all know of love as the romantic notion we see being marketed on movies & advertisements. Sparks fly in the sky & the sounds of Pavarotti fill the air when we meet the right person or kiss them at the right moment. Then, hand-in-hand, both walk towards the sunset & lived ever after.
If that is the case, why are the divorce cases rising every year? In 2005, the total number of divorce rates* was 5036. By 2007, it has climbed to 5480. That's a big jump in 2 years. That ought to be enough to make one think twice about the notion of love.
Defining Love
If love is what we think it to be, the level of divorce cases should be decreasing instead of increasing. According to Wikipedia, "love represents a range of emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states."
This is a common worldview. However, basing on that definition alone will not be accurate.
I am a christian, so you will think that my view will be biased towards the bible & how the church views love. Before you barf at my theory, please allow me a few moments to place my argument.
To be fair, let us leave religion aside for this section.
When freedom to love was not the norm in the past, marriages were matchmade. Couples had no idea who they had to marry until the fateful day. Our parents may have been united in this manner. Many of these silver-haired couples are still in love with & love each other.
If you ask some of these couples, they will tell you that the initial years weren't the best. After the honeymoon phase', literally, these couples go through a hard time getting used to each other's weird antics & habits. There were times when one of them wanted out. Eventually, they decided to stick it out, because back then, not only was divorce not an option, there was also a stigma attached to it.
Most couples who stay on learn one thing from it. that they have to accept everything in this person who has come into their life & even when they don't feel like they love' this person, they do the right thing, that is, whatever that is needed to maintain the relationship.
Let me clarify that I'm not saying that everyone should use this as a model. There will be exceptions eg, violence, unreasonable behaviour etc. Unacceptable behaviour should not be encouraged & one should leave when necessary.
The worldviews of love' may be correct, but it is not sufficient.
Tough Concept
It seems a difficult concept for most to grasp that love is more than a feeling. In 1 Cor 13, the bible tells us what love really is. "4 Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. 8 Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The love that the bible mentions is not just romantic love. You may never thought about it. Or you may have heard it before but squirm at the idea of associating love with any other types of relationship. It sounds easy when you are so in love with that someone you just kissed. Even if you are not a christian, you will not argue with me that what the bible says is wrong.
But what about when things go wrong? What about the other relationships in your life? Can you say that you will be able to apply those same verses?
My observation, although may not be credible or conclusive, is that people take the easy way out. As the nation progresses, people get too comfortable. With all the convenience we are getting, it's not hard to see why we bail when a relationship go through a tough time, especially when divorce is made easier than it was before.
I am inclined to believe that especially with the younger crowd, more & more buy the commercial idea of falling in love. Everyone likes being pampered & doted & being in love is such a wonderful feeling. But what happens after you fall in love?
With Singapore being such a kiasu' country, I'm surprised no one came up with a contingency plan for falling out of love.
Real love is about commitment & making an effort make things better in the relationship. Love means you will do what you can for the person no matter what happens, whether you just had a fight or whether if your spouse irked you earlier. It does not matter if you woke up feeling out of love' because love is not a feeling. It is an act of choice. It is doing the right thing even if you don't like the person.
What's Not to Like?
Yeah, you heard me right. You can love someone without liking that person. But how? In the first place, I have to [like] them before I [love] them, don't I?
It is true that you like a person first before loving them. That is partly true in a boy-girl relationship. But eventually, after you get married & in-laws or kids start wreaking havoc in your life, that like' that led you to believe you love him/her, slowly diminishes & what you have left is resentment. What will sustain is only love - not that feeling of being in love, but really loving that person according to those verses.
Different Types of Love
~ Parent-child relationship sometimes get tricky too. In many instances, parents don't like their kids or vice versa. In order to sustain that relationship, love according to the bible is also required.You do the right thing.
~ Workplace relationship can get tricky too. If you didn't like that person, you probably would have turned tables on that person. But 1 Cor 13:4 - 8 teaches me otherwise.
~ When misunderstandings arise among your good friends, you need the verses to remind you to do the right thing.
~ When your neighbour's dog gets on your nerves so bad, still you are reminded of those verses & decide not to kill the dog together with the owners.
These are just some examples of love that does not involve liking someone.
So love is not a feeling, but an act of choice, of commitment & doing the right thing. Loving does not mean liking someone. Is there someone you don't like but should love?
Later.
*In Singapore only