by Barry Marks

Created on: August 16, 2008   Last Updated: September 01, 2009

Pets. Everyone has them.

Teachers have teacher's pets. You know, the kids who, even when the rest of the class is stoned or asleep, they'll have an answer and keep you from yelling at everyone else. You like those kids. (Except when those Junior Mr.-Know-It-Alls don't stop asking annoying questions.)

Congressmen have pet projects. They're those pork-barrel filled legislations designed to put a lot of money in the pockets of some powerful lobby, not to mention the Congressmen, that have no use at all except to waste budget money that could be spent on better things, like a committee to determine whether pro-wrestlers use steroids. (Well duh.)

Most of us have pet peeves, those little things that bug the heck out of us until we want to rip our hair out or drop a piano on someone or claim the dingoes ate the baby. (Yeah, like that happened.) One of my numerous pet peeves is the expression "could care less." UGH! Let me explain. If you could care less, then there is a certain level of caring present, which could conceivably dip even lower. What you mean (and yes, I'm talking to you!) to say is "I couldn't care less." Because if you could not care less, that's it. You can't get any lower. It's rock bottom. So stop saying it or I'll sic the dingoes on you.

However, what I'm talking about today are actual pets. You know, those little living things with fur or fins or feathers, scales, whatever. Or if you're lucky enough to own a chimera, fur and feathers.

Before we get started, let's make it clear- there are some bad pets out there, things that should not be pets under any circumstances. Here is a brief list:

GOOD PETS BAD PETS
Dog Mongoose
Cat Buffalo
Fish Swine
Bird Condor
Hamster Chupacabra

Here is an example of why it is a bad idea to keep a pet buffalo, taken straight from one of my favorite news sources, News of the Weird:

In Salem, Wisconsin, an 1800-pound bull that had been treated as a pet killed its owner as he tried to take it to slaughter one day after the bull trampled a farmhand to death. Said the grieving owner, "You can't trust a buffalo."

Indeed. Words to live by.

"But Barry," you ask, "what kind of pet is right for me?" Thanks for the question. I love it when people leave the important questions of their life to me. It makes me feel like a big man.

The pet that's right for you is a very subjective question. In general, if you are allergic to cats, don't get a cat. If you sleep late and never go out, don't get a dog. If you have friends who think it's fun

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>