by Rachael Wilson

Created on: August 15, 2008   Last Updated: August 26, 2008

Talking dirty in bed has its own weird stigma. Often times it isn't what you say, turning your bedroom into a porn studio, but the fact that you say anything at all while making love. Sometimes talking dirty is just saying what you want.

Jeff and I started seeing each other after meeting on the internet. The intriguing and seductive dialog we'd write to each other was easy, as we were safely tucked behind computer screens. When we finally met face to face, those fantasies we'd carefully crafted translated to passionate nights fueled by our words. We didn't have to say them, they were floating in our heads as we rolled and played in real life. Personally, I worked hard to construct the fiery lover I imagined myself to beand it worked. We've been together six years and counting. Things were good, don't get me wrong, but after six years the question was could we find new dialog? Say our deepest fantasies to each other out loud?

When a relationship starts out fresh and new, there is a level of "humanness" we try to avoid, everything from unsavory body noises to leaving dirty underwear in the bathroom. As you fall into a comfortable groove with someone who makes it past the lusty beginnings, all of those skeletons come dancing out of the closet and we become almost too human. Now we're together every night. All that creative wordplay to develop our passion and it seemed we were just too tired to follow through with it. With work, home and family all rolled into our bed, the fantasies had very little room to play. We had no problem talking to each other in just about every facet of our lives, but over the years, telling each other what we wanted in bed made us awkward and embarrassed with each other. We found ourselves in danger of the dreaded relationship rut, and the exposure of our true selves was killing our romantic fantasies.

Then one night, we were reminiscing about our first trysts and those great stories we'd write to each other. We laughed in the dark, our conversation turning hotter as we "confessed" what we loved to do to each other. We cuddled and took turns talking about what we were thinking as we wrote, our hands beginning to play out what our words were. I think we both realized that we were doing a live version of our online relationship. It was daring and exciting to have Jeff whisper in my ear things I'd only read. Having him say the things he wanted to do to me was incredible. While I was definitely the shy one to say things out loud, I wanted him to experience the same shivers that his voice sent up my spine. We wound up all over each other, making love with an intensity we hadn't seen in years.

So was it talking dirty or just saying what we wanted? It's a little of both I think. Some couples go the porn queen route while having bedtime banter, and that's fine, but for us we found that honesty and a few choice words went a long way. If you're going to engage in some dirty talk, don't force it. You don't have to become someone or something else in the bedroom. Find your alter ego, the one who wants to dominate or be dominated, and let him/her take the reigns for awhile. If you wouldn't normally be abusive in your day to day exchange, don't do it in bed. Talking dirty doesn't have to be derogatory. Sexy words and seductive play should flow naturally, and it's okay to laugh at each other too. Laughter in bed frees us from being too ego-centered, allowing us to be vulnerable to our partner. Weave a fantasy if you like; visualize out loud a place or time you can share.

For Jeff and me, the words that fueled our lusty beginning became our fantasies, and turned our stale routine into wild nights once again.

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