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At the conclusion of a relationship, survival instincts kick in which allow us to lick our wounds, heal and move on. Unfortunately those same instincts resurface when beginning a new relationship, in an effort to protect ourselves from suffering any pain or wrong doing. As a result, our refusal to display vulnerability and a need for our partner, produces a relationship which can never fully develop, physically or emotionally. As I have come to learn, vulnerability doesn't make you weak, it brings a relationship to a whole new level.

When I met Eddy, dating was the furthest thing from my mind. As the single mother of an infant son I had more important issues to focus on. His relentless pursuit proved he wasn't going to give up that easy, so I decided I could suffer worse fates than a simple date. It went surprisingly well and more time was spent in each others company over the next few months, eventually reaching a point where we became inseparable.

Displaying emotion came easy for Eddy. He had no fear of sharing his innermost feelings, leaving himself vulnerable. The same wasn't true for me. My previous experiences prevented me from expressing any shred of emotion that would allow him to play on my vulnerability and possibly hurt me. I referred to this as my brick wall that I had built to keep myself safe and keep him from truly getting in. He assured me he would dismantle that wall one brick at a time until it presented no barrier to the progression of our relationship. As my feelings intensified and I knew I truly loved him, I began to distance myself. My philosophy, keeping him at distance will prevent me from getting hurt. Unfortunately I was hurting myself by allowing fear to over rule my heart.

The hospitalization of my son was a devastating time. Doctors weren't sure of a diagnosis and I had no family to lean on for support. I was truly alone and vulnerable, until Eddy arrived at the hospital. I hadn't called him, but somehow he was aware of the situation. His initial statement, "I'm here for your son because he needs me, but I can be here for you too, if you'll let me". At that moment, I viewed our relationship in a whole new light. He wasn't out to use my vulnerability against me, he wanted to see me let my guard down and express some emotion. Once I came to realize this, that's exactly what I did.

It's been ten years and I can honestly say we are still in love. I'm not afraid to make my feelings known or to let him know I need him. Everyone needs somebody, whether they choose to admit or not. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and not hold back has lead to a level of intimacy we would never have achieved with my previous attitude. Being vulnerable is what makes me human and allows me to love unconditionally. We share in each others triumphs and upsets and know no matter what the other is there for support. Opening up has resulted in finding the love and compassion I had always sought in a partner.

Experiencing bad relationships is all part of the growing process. They allow us to determine exactly what it is we're looking for in a mate. Being vulnerable may set you up to be hurt, but it can also lead to a deep, intimate connection. Leave the past where it belongs and use it as a learning tool, but don't let it dictate the outcome of future relationships. You may be passing up a great thing, as I almost did.

Learn more about this author, Erin Knight.
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