by Amber Lawrence

Created on: August 15, 2008

I remember sitting in the court room, right across from him. Looking around I could see all the faces of the people that loved me. They were no match for his stare. His eyes just burned into me, as he gave me little smiles. That is something no twelve year old girl should ever have to go through. Although I was only twelve at the time, I knew it was something I had to do.

I answered all those questions. They were planned questions. "Where did he touch you?" "How did it feel?" "Did you know these things he did to you were wrong?" I remember crying and the judge telling them I needed a break. I ran into the arms of my family and cried.
This process all started one day when I went to school and told my PE Teacher I wouldn't be able to participate in the class. I was pregnant. After school, my sister and I were told to stay. Someone was coming to talk to us. It seemed like forever. Finally, a woman appeared in the door. We were on our way to the police station.
At the station, they placed us in different rooms. I was asked several different questions over and over again. I started to cry. I told them that I had been raped by a friend of my fathers (a lie). They apparently did not believe me, because they kept asking. Hours seemed to go by. I was tired and hungry. I told them that the truth. My stepfather raped me and had been doing so for years. My mother made up the story.
To this day I am not sure why she made up that story. I think it is because she didn't want to lose us. That is exactly what happened. We went into faster care. I ended up having the baby. A beautiful little girl, named Samantha. She was given up for adoption. I am happy with this choice. There are some many people that can't have babies. I keeping thinking one day she will look for me. I hope she understands.
One day my Teacher came to me and pulled me aside. She let me know that they convicted him of molestation and he would spend 15 years in prison. If he ever got out, they would send him back to Mexico. I cried tears of joy. At least for a while I didn't have to worry about him coming to get me.
I began to notice as I got older, that I used sex as a replacement for love. I felt for a long time that if I didn't have sex with my boyfriends they wouldn't love me. I began to talk about what happened to me more and more. Talking helped a lot. Some people think that counseling is the only thing that helps. Not for me. I had a hard time going to counseling. All they wanted to talk about was the rape and pregnancy. I became withdrawn and depressed. I stopped going.
I am not saying that counseling will not help. I think it depends on the person. I began to realize on my own that I am worth more than just sex. I am a strong, independent, and street-wise woman now. Getting over a rape is a difficult thing to do. I know that it took years. There are still things to this day that get to me.
I want everyone to know that it is ok to tell. Young children should especially be looked after. If you think there is any chance of a person being raped, tell someone. Even older people have these things happen to them.
If you were raped in the past, remember you are not alone. Look at your life and see how things have changed since it happened to you. Look inside yourself and see what you can take from it. You are beautiful, stronger, and can use what happened to help someone else that may not have had the help before. Use your new found strength to show the world what comes out of a dark situation.

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