by Ann Johnstone

Created on: August 14, 2008

Being married to an alcoholic is a bit like being strapped to a ticking time bomb. You never know when it is going to go off, and are therefore living in a state of constant tension. That was certainly my experience, and although the marriage endured for only seven years, at the time it seemed like an eternity.

Ray persistently denied that he had a problem with alcohol, even when he injured himself in a drunken stupor and had to be taken to hospital by me, of course. During the course of our marriage I lost most of my friends (at least temporarily). They were tired of seeing me emotionally and verbally abused, fed up with being embarrassed by his inappropriate behaviour when drunk and hated the fact that they felt powerless to change the situation.

Whilst alcoholism affects every member of the family, it is the wife (or husband, as the case may be) who carries the greatest burden. When I first realized my husband was an alcoholic, I stepped up my efforts to be a good wife, fixed his favourite foods, encouraged him in his work and suggested joint projects that I thought would distract him from his first love', that is, the bottle.

Initially he went for months without drinking, but it wasn't long before I came to the realization that whenever I had a speaking engagement or other activity outside the home, Ray would take the opportunity to binge drink. He had been a barrister, but wasn't getting much work at this stage. Word had got around that he was unreliable because of his heavy drinking. I worked with him in mediation until one day he verbally abused a client and the man walked out of the mediation in disgust.

I have read that "the average family with an alcoholic member waits seven years after the evidence of addiction is indisputable to admit that there is an alcoholic in the house. They then wait another two years before seeking help." (A. Spickard and B. Thompson, "Dying for a Drink", Word, Dallas, 1985). For myself the process was accelerated as I had counselled others who either had addiction problems themselves or else were married to an addict. Yet I still had to pass all the usual milestones before I was able to act objectively.

Firstly, there is always the inevitable denial. After all, how could I have not picked up straight away that Ray was an alcoholic? Yes, he was very clever at allowing others to see only what he wanted to be revealed. Those closest to the alcoholic are usually blinded by personal loyalties and the social stigma attached to alcoholism.

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