by Natalie Haywood

Created on: August 14, 2008   Last Updated: September 26, 2008

I thought I would never smile again after my daughter passed four agonizing hours after birth. I was completely blindsided. Somehow I was convinced that my family was immune to such tragedy. I asked anyone who would listen from doctors to clergy why this happened to me to no avail. I felt alone and angry. There was no silver lining this time. Sadly, I saw my cup as half empty.

After the funeral, I was inconsolable and literally hid under my blanket for days on end. I just couldn't stop crying. When I peaked from underneath the blanket I found only grief and disappointment. The Associate Pastor from church called every day and asked if I had gotten out of bed. I often replied with a resounding, no. I found inspiration in nature from my patio early one morning.

I would never have imagined inspiration would be found in nature just outside my patio. Decidedly, I gave the world and second look and saw it differently. I noticed, squirrels gathered food, birds chirped and gentle winds kissed my tear stained face. I gave into the early morning renewal of my broken spirit. Eerily, I knew that I had experienced a second coming. This was my chance to comeback.

Somehow, I had forgotten the breath taking beauty of nature and its profound peace, a place far beyond the melodrama of circumstances. Nature offered me a wonderful second coming of epic proportions that only spiritual healing and forgiveness could afford me.

I realized that I wasn't invincible. This was my day of reckoning. It was then that I decided to shower and brush my teeth before my loving husband came home from work. I just stood still underneath the steamy waters of a much needed shower. I wanted to be purified like I had been so many moons ago during my childhood baptism. Amazingly, I washed some of the pain off my broken mind and body and felt better. I brushed my matted hair and yellowed teeth.

I accepted that tragedy had found me. I reasoned with it and lost. Nothing I did changed those facts. I couldn't go back and I couldn't stand still. So, I moved toward a comeback. One day I saw that somehow time had passed and I had literally gathered nuts amidst squirrels and sang with Blue jays. Before I knew it I had smiled, again.

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