by Emily Joy White

Created on: August 13, 2008

My very good friend at work is suffering through watching her own mother die. I don't have words powerful enough to bring my friend much comfort. I know that losing a parent comes with a lot of pain. So, I just listen and check in on my co-worker to see how she is holding up. The exchange between us is pretty quiet, but it is important that she knows someone cares about her current life circumstance.

I let my friend choose what level of express she needs. There have been several moments when she just wanted me to hold her hand and help her fight for control. So, I did. I let her talk, or not. She usually needs to let a few words spew about how terrible it all is, or how she just cannot believe what is going on. Then when her control comes back, she squeezes my hand a little harder and says she'll be OK for a few minutes. I know it's time to go back to my desk then and let her function as best she can.

She needed to fly to her mother's city for the week-end, even if there was nothing much she could do there. Even though she didn't want them, I offered her my air miles so she could afford the trip a little easier. We talked and I finally convinced her that she should set her own funds aside in case the plot thickened and she had to fly back with little or no notice. I packed her an airline snack which probably represented a little more "mothering" than it did great food!

I have already lost my own mother, so I am familiar with some of the emotions that rollercoaster around in one's soul and head during this time. My co-worker is much younger than I am and her mother is much too young to pass away. This is a really hard time for my friend. My meager offering of fiendship and a willingness to listen is all I can give her.

Coping with unavoidable suffering is not something we can be good at because, thankfully, none of us have much practice at it. Prayers of thanksgiving for all the good times, and prayers of submitting to His will are helpful. Staying busy to keep the mind occupied is good too. The mind can only hold one thought at a time. Careful attention to proper food in-take and good rest patterns is important too. When the mind is burdened, the body needs all the help it can get.

It is OK to ask for support from loved ones. When you really need support, ask for outrageous things. People who want to help, will and they are grateful to know what kind of help you require. Watching a loved-one suffer generates a feeling of helplessness or uselessness that can only be eased by helping! So, in a way, it is a loving thing to ask for help.

Life can have dark moments when you think you'll never want to smile again. They do pass and the heart returns to a more joyful place. Time is truly a gift and we can trust it to heal our wounds. Stay encouraged.

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