by Kurt Stricker

Created on: August 13, 2008

Why are we here?

Like it or not all roads of deep thought lead back to this one universal question. True, you will get thousands of answers from many walks of life. Humans can be very opinionated (and passionate) when it comes to philosophy, religion, heaven, hell, or anything that pertains to this age-old topic. So why are we here? Without getting too serious I'd like to throw out some of my own theories. Ideas I've summoned from deep dark nooks, seams, and fissures of my own over-active mind. Here are just some of those hypotheticals, let me know what you think:

1). Food of the gods.

That's right, we are all cattle. Just when you thought you were at the top of the food chain, SURPRISE! And you were wondering what really took place during all of those "alien abductions". Silly, silly humans. While I have no idea which part of our carcass would be tastier I would like to think our reproductive organs would be aphrodisiacs, our skin would make terrific jerky, and our brains would be highly valued, obtaining the admiration of our abductors as a flower child would worship and sow a harvested placenta. Our eyeballs would be dried and hardened via a process of mysterious omnipotence, then sold as marbles for their children (and you wanted to believe YOU were their offspring), our finger and toenails would have medicinal value, and a woman's eggs would be a delicacy of splendor magnifique! Our arms could be used as pool toys, legs as golf clubs, and our heads as bowling balls with our eye sockets and mouths as finger holes.

2). Amusement.

You wanted to be a star, didn't you? Guess what? YOU ARE! In fact, you've been idolized all of your whole miserable, pathetic life. Currently there are aliens watching, observing, viewing, and immersing themselves in your daily routine. Somewhere out there is a young, emotional, female adolescent Martian sympathetic to your issues. She thinks she can save you and your species from being eaten (see above) by convincing her carnivorous race to become vegetarians. She, also, wants you to know she believes you don't need nonfat milk and that you can totally have the real stuff, she cried when you sat at home alone the night of the prom, and she thinks it would be the total BOMB if she could bring you in for show-and-tell because then she would be "someone". She still hasn't figured out that ritual conducted on the white throne while scanning your "journal", but she wants you to stop as she feels you are hurting yourself because of the incessant vociferousness at the apex of your ceremony.

3). This is only a test.

We are the beginning, a prototype if you will, of something bigger in the future. Your pastor and priest are not far from the truth when they say, "God is testing you." You are, in fact, a great experiment. When you feel those sharp on-again, off-again chest pains it's just someone taking an invisible needle and poking you as they ask, "does that hurt? Does that hurt? How about that?" Notice the new diseases that just suddenly appear? It's their biological warfare department. How about wars? You guessed it, their gaming division. Marriage? Children? Divorce? Just their version of the CIA developing torture methods, the same agency who created PMS, Menopause, and Hemorrhoids. And finally, the truth behind our leaders? They are all aliens, every single one of them. A flock needs a shepherd to lead them to slaughter, you know. That little phrase "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want" was a sick inside joke they threw in just to patronize us. I'll bet it was Hillary, too. So, when your church clergy tells you "God has a plan for your life", remember; it's only a trial.

Learn more about this author, Kurt Stricker.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.