I have been fortunate in that competition among the women I know has been kept to a minimum. That's not to say that my experiences have always been good, but for the most part I can honestly say that I have felt supported by the community of women I associate with.

When issues arise a common thread of insecurity can usually be found. It may manifest as anger or jealousy, but if you look deeper you will find fear.

Fear can be taught. My mother did the best job of raising me that she knew how, but hers was a fear based world. Her dad passed away unexpectedly when she was only eight years old, leaving behind a wife and eleven children. She learned about loss at a very early age, which in turn, affected the way she parented. This most often showed up in soft warnings such as: be careful, that could be dangerous. The underlying message was: the world's not safe, stick to what you know. Getting her to move beyond her comfort zone has always caused friction between the two of us. I see opportunity where she sees disaster. I never wanted to buy into her gloom and doom philosophy so when I started to push past the boundaries she'd set, the fight was on. And although this isn't the type of competition that normally comes to mind, it does, in fact, set the tone for other interactions. When someone says the words, you can't the gut response becomes, watch me.

A few women have left stains in my life. The battles have been territorial. Some were fought in the workplace, others through personal experiences. The disheartening thing about women is their inability to just get over it. Men can throw the crudest, most vulgar insults back and forth to each other, say what is on their mind and move on. Women get stuck. If one woman does another woman wrong the damage is generally permanent.

Women take things to a personal level that men do not. Many issues centered around competition could be avoided if we could just eliminate the tension created by the misinterpretation of each other's feelings. Being sensitive has many valuable assets, but it is often an unnecessary source of conflict among women.

Competition in itself is good. It allows us to be sharpened as individuals. It challenges us and sparks new growth. It only becomes negative when it is played out unfairly.

My rules for competition are: Let go of the outcome. The only thing that can be controlled is your response. Play fair so you can be proud of how you played your game of life.

Learn more about this author, Kelly Dekker.
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