by Tracy Munar-Ramos

Created on: January 08, 2007   Last Updated: April 25, 2007

The social skills needed to make friends are often taken for granted. We assume that our children will just pick up these skills from being around others or watching our behavior. While this may be the case for most, it is still worthwhile to teach your children the specific skills it takes to make friends. Among preschoolers, having friends at school goes a long way toward easing their separation anxiety as well as making school a pleasant place to be. Making friends encourages cooperation, improves language skills and builds self-esteem. Studies show that older children who form lasting friendships generally do better in school and better in life.

Even toddlers can be encouraged to smile and make eye contact with other children. Among two-year-olds, you are likely to still see a lot of "parallel play". Don't be discouraged. Your children are aware of others around them and you'll see them sneaking looks at each other, imitating and grabbing from each other. At home, don't always give your child the first turn at everything or let them always decide how you are going to play together. An important part of learning to make friends is learning the art of negotiation. Games and activities that require taking turns help children learn the self-control and cooperation necessary to make friends. Encourage your child to share as well as say "please" and "thank you".
By the time they are 3 or 4 years of age, you can teach your children how to complement others that share similar interests or values. Complementing others often helps to attract new friends. Take time to observe your child's behavior towards other children. Is he bossy? Role-play with your child at home how to take turns being the leader. Does she constantly interrupt? Practice taking turns talking at the dinner table and listening for appropriate breaks in conversation. Does he use inappropriate means of getting attention like being aggressive or destructive? Teach your child how to approach another and say, "Can I play with you?" or how to invite others to play with them.
Also take time to teach your child to recognize and understand social cues. Ask your child the following questions: What does a child that wants to be friends with you look like? What does a child in need of a friend look like? What does it mean when someone plays next to you? What does it mean when another child is watching you? What can you do when you see someone doing something you think is fun? What does it mean when another child smiles at you? What does it mean when they frown or turn away?
Above all, accept your child's social style. Don't force your child to go up to a group of children if they prefer to stand back and watch for a while. Not every child is going to be a social butterfly. Some are happier having one or two close friends. Help an outgoing child reduce rejection by teaching them the social cues to look for so they don't force themselves on someone that isn't interested in being their friend. Learning how to make and keep friends is a skill like any other. Through encouragement, role-play and practice you can teach your child a skill that will benefit them for a lifetime.

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