by Joe Kelly

Created on: August 11, 2008   Last Updated: August 23, 2008

I am in my early fifties and live with my mother who is now 87. Thankfully, she is still fit and active - still going dancing twice a week and planning her next trip away. However, as the months and years pass, there are more and more things which she cannot do for herself. As of now, these are simple things like opening jars. Neither of us is under any illusion that as time passes, things will get easier for her. They won't - there will come a time when the things she is unable to do are important things like bathing and cooking.

Does my mother expect me to take care of her as she becomes more infirm and possibly needing more personal care? No, she does not. In fact, she would be embarrassed to be dependent on me for her more personal needs. She doesn't mind asking me to open a carton of milk - she would never ask for my help in going to the bathroom! Her expectation is that, at some point in the future, when she is no longer able to function independently, she will go to live in a 'home' of some description. She doesn't believe it is the responsibility of her children to look after her in her old(er) age.

And that's where we differ. I certainly think it is my responsibility to take care of her. I am lucky that this feeling is shared by my brother and sister. So between us we will look after her at home as long as is practicable. There will come a time inevitably when it is easier for her (and for us) to be cared for in a professional environment.

And so our responsibility continues. We will be responsible for finding an appropriate environment, paying for her care, and ensuring that all her needs are being met.

Beyond that, we will continue to be responsible for making sure that she is happy! And that is the biggest responsibility of all. If my mother felt that she would be abandoned in some awful nursing home, she would be horrified. But she is confident (because we have talked about it openly) that she will stay at home as long as possible. And that when the time comes when she needs more care than we can provide, she won't be abandoned.

The title asks the question is it our responsibility to care for our elderly parents. The question doesn't specify how we care for them. Not every family is able to care at home for their parents. Not every family is financially able to provide top quality care at a professional facility. But surely, given the hardships and sacrifices our parents made for us, it remains our responsibility to care for them as best we can.

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