by Ronda Claire

Created on: August 11, 2008

Thoughts of Suicide

I'm not getting "dark and scary" on you here. This is not a suicide note, but is my interpretation of something that I did a lot of thinking about not all that long ago.

I wasn't considering suicide. I couldn't go through with anything I'd thought of anyway. Plus, if it didn't work and I lived but was 'damaged beyond repair' that wouldn't do anyone any good either, including myself. The goal of suicide, if there is one, is to finish it all. But during some bad weeks, I don't know if I would have stopped something from happening either.

An example would have been crossing the street, a car runs a stop sign and is now heading for me. Though I have the right of way, the car continues and instead of getting out of the way I figure 'if ya hit me ya hit me. O well.'

My thoughts on this topic, on a more in-depth basis, began when I lost my best friend. The night before she passed, I had an experience I'll likely never forget. She'd been placed in a nursing/rehab facility to help her get her life back to normal following a stroke, then later seizures caused by a low dilantin count. I would go every night and sleep in the empty bed in her room at her request.

I had not left home yet on the night of August 7, 2004. As I sat waiting for 10 pm - when visitors would be gone - I stared at the door and 'saw' something I will never forget. It helped prepare me, though I almost wish I hadn't 'seen' it. There was a blank space on the wall by the door and I 'saw' Mary sitting on her bed with Jesus next to her. In all His flowing white robes and beautiful brown hair, He took her hands in His. She stood up, but He did not. He seemed to be talking to her, I believed telling her to stick it out a little longer - that things would get better, but she seemed ready to go. She again stood up and this time He stood with her and the images faded. I have always believed that He will not keep someone here that He knows is ready.

It was then I realized, not only would she be leaving soon, but it had been her decision to go. Up until then I thought that God decided, and I guess at times He does, but in some cases I firmly believe He decides "nope, not yet." And that's why people who attempt suicide, in my opinion, don't always succeed. Those who do, I believe, were fully ready to go.

I've never thought of a "suicide" as a coward. I believe it takes much thought, and a LOT of strength to take the steps necessary to end one's life. If the person is depressed, and one would guess that is a part of many suicides, s/he is feeling nothing.

The person who makes this decision and attempts to follow through is not thinking of how those left behind will feel. Not thinking of how their lives will be affected, disrupted to a point, and how they will grieve and possibly never get over the loss. There is no pain, there is no feeling, there is no thought beyond self. To call a "suicide" selfish, yes, I would agree because s/he is thinking of no one else. Any thoughts can easily be bought off with "they'll be fine. They won't even miss me in a month. They have their work, family, friends to help them along. What's the difference? I didn't mean that much to them anyway."

And no matter how untrue this is, that person isn't thinking beyond, "this is what I've decided; to hey with you all if you think you're going to stop me." And, in truth, they with God are the only ones who can stop it.

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