by Brian Jeffiers

Created on: August 11, 2008

I like my accent. I don't know what it is, but I like it. My mother is from north Alabama and Dad is from central Kentucky, and I grew up there. Then I moved to Eastern Kentucky at the age of 22 and threw something else in the mix. Anyhow, I'm happy with the way I sound.

Other people aren't, and it's causing them to abuse true Southern English. People are always screwing up Southern English because they are themselves just really lame claimants to the dialect. Every Tom Brokaw-sounding Kansanthus far the only state I find has no accent-wishes they spoke like a Southerner. It's a friendlier, more intimate accent. So "y'all" is traveling all over the country, dripping from the lips of imposters who commit two major violations of its use.

First, they use it as a singular noun. Why can't these Everywhere-Elsers figure out that the "all" in "y'all" makes it plural? I am not an all, so people should not call me "y'all." People should call me "you", whether I all am in Georgia or Minnesota.

Second, they put the apostrophe in the wrong dang place. Apostrophes indicate where something was taken out, little flags to typists everywhere that their jobs are at least a keystroke or two easier on that word. In the case of "y'all", the apostrophe advises you that "ou" has been dropped. "Ya'll" is not the same word. "Ya'll" indicates that letters have been dropped either from the "ya" or the "ll", or maybe even both, which means that it might be a contraction of "ya pill" or "yak will". Any way you slice it, it is not a contraction of "you all". Work with me here. This apostrophe stuff really is'nt that hard.

Now that I have properly retooled "y'all", it's worth mentioning the pace of Southern speech. As a rule, particularly in the deep South, you had just as well have a seat while Uncle Charlie describes his last trip to the doctor, because if you stand for the whole thing, you will be lightheaded before he gets called back by the nurse.

"Why do you people talk so slow?" Everywhere-Elsers ask. Apart from a zippy "Why do you talk so fast?" directed back at them, the best answer is to pull out a weather chart. I know, exciting stuff. But my theory is this: In the South, it's warm. In the summer, it's stinking, obscenely hot, with dripping humidity and blazing sunshine. One does well not to hurry at anything, because even the mundane tasks of your day can be exhausting in that weather. That even goes for conversation. If you are rattling along at a mile a minute, your vocal cords

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>