When I was a kid, I started wondering the meaning of life.
It can be quite traumatic, not to mention overwhelming for someone at the age of 6 or 7 to start pondering over life. It is especially not a comforting environment to be doing that when you are born to a dysfunctional family.
Life was mostly dark & grey for me. Childhood was full of memories that consisted beatings, yellings & more scoldings, whether I was right or wrong, whether the situation calls for or not. There weren't encouragements & people around me were either impatient or were sarcastic.
Growing up for me was tough. I hated life. I hadn't a clue what on earth was I here for because no one ever reminded me that I was precious or for that matter, loved or even wanted. To me, I was made to feel like a burden right from the start. So, like many depressives, I directed that hatred toward myself. After all, how could the majority of the people be wrong? If they didn't love me, it must be my fault.
It was a good thing that God chooses His people. God pursued me, knowing He had created me in this family devoid of love. But being young, rebellious & searching for answers, I didn't heed his call. While I watched & observe Him from a distance, I did actually feel His imminent presence.
Yet, I still wandered around for many years, with Him by my side all the while. I used a common excuse that many people are still using to this day: "I'm not ready for such a commitment." I knew He is there; He is real, but I worried what I needed to give up if I were to become a christian.
It took 10yrs of walking around in life's labyrinth before I came to my senses & that was after I paid a hefty price for a lesson well learnt - Loss of everything & almost loss of a sound mind - eventually, desperation drove me to tell God one day, "I'm tired, Lord, just take my life & do what you want with it."
Saying that was more a bail-out; I didn't know that my life was to be surrendered prior to that fateful day. I just wanted someone to straighten out my life; I couldn't do it by myself & boy, did I call out to the right person! After that, my mission was to look for a church & commit myself to the Lord. I treaded carefully in case I dropped into a cult church & thankfully, God led me to a church where I found my best friend.
Life from then on took a dramatic turn. It didn't become rosy all of a sudden. It didn't suddenly become smooth-sailing. Rather, God took me on an exciting, albeit dreadful journey of self-discovery. I uncovered many ugly warts of myself. I was a bristled young woman, full of deep inner issues with life. I wasn't bitter nor resentful, but repressed & sad. I didn't understand myself & life was still pretty much full of greyness as I grappled with social issues & self-acceptance.
The many mistakes I made throughout the 10yrs became valuable lessons for me. As God said clearly in the bible, he wouldn't let any tear shed go to waste. They became moulding tools that God used to shape me into who he wants to become.
I'm still learning - everyday is a new learning ground. 6yrs of walking with God & all I can say is, my world has become really colourful. It is no longer dark & grey like it used to be perpetually. Where I was a pessimistic & depressed person, now I'm hopeful & optimistic. It is a change I never expected to see.
I figured, once you've figure out what life is all about, it really isn't all that bad after all. Life is, as the bible say, full of troubles. So it takes effort to live out a life that has meaning. Purpose is an action word. To live life with a purpose means that one doesn't give up but to continue to put in the effort to live. To make each day count; to begin each day as if it were on purpose.
"It is not in the number of breaths you take that counts, but the moments that take your breath away."
Later.