by Tammy A

Created on: August 11, 2008

When I was a kid, I started wondering the meaning of life.

It can be quite traumatic, not to mention overwhelming for someone at the age of 6 or 7 to start pondering over life. It is especially not a comforting environment to be doing that when you are born to a dysfunctional family.

Life was mostly dark & grey for me. Childhood was full of memories that consisted beatings, yellings & more scoldings, whether I was right or wrong, whether the situation calls for or not. There weren't encouragements & people around me were either impatient or were sarcastic.

Growing up for me was tough. I hated life. I hadn't a clue what on earth was I here for because no one ever reminded me that I was precious or for that matter, loved or even wanted. To me, I was made to feel like a burden right from the start. So, like many depressives, I directed that hatred toward myself. After all, how could the majority of the people be wrong? If they didn't love me, it must be my fault.

It was a good thing that God chooses His people. God pursued me, knowing He had created me in this family devoid of love. But being young, rebellious & searching for answers, I didn't heed his call. While I watched & observe Him from a distance, I did actually feel His imminent presence.

Yet, I still wandered around for many years, with Him by my side all the while. I used a common excuse that many people are still using to this day: "I'm not ready for such a commitment." I knew He is there; He is real, but I worried what I needed to give up if I were to become a christian.

It took 10yrs of walking around in life's labyrinth before I came to my senses & that was after I paid a hefty price for a lesson well learnt - Loss of everything & almost loss of a sound mind - eventually, desperation drove me to tell God one day, "I'm tired, Lord, just take my life & do what you want with it."

Saying that was more a bail-out; I didn't know that my life was to be surrendered prior to that fateful day. I just wanted someone to straighten out my life; I couldn't do it by myself & boy, did I call out to the right person! After that, my mission was to look for a church & commit myself to the Lord. I treaded carefully in case I dropped into a cult church & thankfully, God led me to a church where I found my best friend.

Life from then on took a dramatic turn. It didn't become rosy all of a sudden. It didn't suddenly become smooth-sailing. Rather, God took me on an exciting, albeit dreadful journey of self-discovery. I uncovered

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