I was going through a bad break up. You know, the kind where all you can do is think of him or you'll drop everything, even plans with friends, to go see him if he called. Sound familiar? One day over coffee, an intelligent friend of mine told me something I'm going to tell you:
"Te tiene como arrastrada". Ouch! Think of it as, "He has you by the hair in cave-man times, being dragged in the dirt." This statement was true enough for me at the time. It's never good to be called this. It's a common thing to call a woman "one who lets herself be dragged around" in Latin culture, but we don't really have that in English. Now that you've heard it, it kind of hurts doesn't it?
How Long?
So ladies (and gentlemen too), how long are you going to get dragged around? We know the symptoms, but what do we do about them? It's hard to break up, even harder when you have kids together. Breakups are painful, but they don't have to be complicated. Not, if you stick to the rules of separation.
Rule #1:
The First Step:
"So what's the first thing I should do?" I asked my girlfriend who is working on her Master's in psychology. She put down her coffee and looked me straight in the eye. "Well, I guess you could get passed the first stage: denial."
Whether it's temporary or for good, admit that it's over/ done/ finito (at least for now). That being said, even in its most temporary state, you have to play by the rules of "over-ness".
Rule#2:
The Truth:
Realize that someone who has broken up with you, does not need space, and is not, "Trying to do something s/he needs to do on their own." The truth is that: yes, they are going through something, and whatever that is, cannot be solved with you in the picture, which is why, they have terminated the relationship; even, if it's just temporary.
Face it, if you really loved and wanted to be with someone, can you think of one thing that you would really not want your other half around for? Sickness, mental anguish, mid-life crisis, "needs to move out of town"? You would probably want them around, right?
Rule#3:
Wash your hands:
Since you are not in the picture, this person you were seeing is no longer your responsibility. You know exactly what I mean! You will not, be the sober driver on the nights that s/he gets too wasted to drive anymore! You will not, be the shoulder to cry on during any time of day. You will not, you will not, you will not sleep with him or her.
Anyone who still expects you, or asks from you, any of these things is selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, and deserves during these times to be alone. Anyone who still expects these things has the type of personality that will not appreciate any of your qualities until you show strength, and deny the helping hand/ear/shoulder/sex organ. It is when they are put up for the task of dealing with their own problems by themselves that they finally see the light.
Rule#4:
Just Say No!
He/She will at some point try to get back together with you. They may not actually say, "Please, I need to be with you." Don't worry, the message will be clear. At this point your automatic response should be, "Sorry, I can't right now. What you did really hurt me." Then stick to a firm, "No."
Rule#5:
All You Need is Love.
Love yourself! Respect yourself! Do you even want this person back? After all they made you go through? How many nights did you stay at home depressed? How many times did you cry yourself to sleep? Do you want to put yourself through all of that all over again? Maybe if you were completely penniless and they happened to turn into a millionaire...which, as fate would have it, has happened to me-and no I don't want to get into details, however you should know that I still said no, so if I had to say no, then you do too. Have some courage; there really are more fish to fry.
Rule #6
Love those who love you.
Don't even think of dragging your children down with you, arrastrada! Don't involve them, don't talk crap about their father, just don't. Even though he's a dead beat that won't pay child support... When you see him in public, treat him like any other human being.
"Where's Dad, Mom?" Hard to face them with an answer right? Think of how much harder it'd be to face them when they ask, "How come I never had the drive to go to college, Mom? Why am I such a lousy teen-parent, Mom?" It's really that crucial. You and your ex are role models and how your kids perceive you will have a lot to do with how they view themselves in the future. You can't be responsible for your ex's actions, but you are completely responsible for your own. Don't make excuses for him/her, just be honest (in a nice way).
Rule#7
The Perfect Number:
Most importantly: Love and respect yourself. Did I already say that? It's important! You're going to want to cry, laugh, and get revenge all in one night, try to stay grounded. Now is a time to be open to new ideas: a new hair cut, a new wardrobe, a new career, a new college degree, a new hobby, a new set of lingerie, and eventually, give yourself time, a new significant other.
Smile! The worst is OVER!