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When people don't make it a point to define them, the rules of separation can seem vague and confusing. Some couples separate to solve their problems with much-needed space, while others break up completely, but still have common ground (e.g., children) holding them together. Whatever the circumstances, these general rules likely apply:

Provide an Explanation

When separation is not a mutual decision, the person who is being left might feel confused and helpless. That person deserves an honest explanation. Communication is crucial before any separation. Sometimes it's difficult to grasp someone else's reasoning, so a couple should expect the explanation conversation to be a long one. Children may also feel bewildered, so it's important for them know the good that will come out of it. "It's not easy," advises Dave McFall, who experienced a year-long separation, "but an explanation will help the young ones understand."

Set Boundaries

Boundaries must be set and followed, and both parties should clearly understand their limits. Should rings stay on the wedding fingers? Is it a controlled, trial, or complete separation? What does that mean for the couple? Controlled separations are for solving problems apart while committed. Trial separations are for testing the waters as a single person. A complete separation means that commitment to the relationship has been thrown out the window. Dating should probably not be an option until a divorce or break-up is final. Adultery can be used against another during a divorce trial, even if the relationship was during separation.

Respect Each Other

Nobody should use a shopping spree as revenge, flaunt a new significant other in front of an ex, or bring children into arguments. These are extremely disrespectful choices to make. The worst move out of the three is using children as a weapon for selfish reasons, and it happens more than most would like to admit. Co-parenting is vital to separations that involve children, who often feel they are expected to take one parent's side.

Respect the Role of Children

Children are not friends or therapists and they should not be treated as such. They are neutral parties that should not get involved in parental conflict. Both adults need to cooperate, discipline their children together, and avoid hostility in front of them. When the adults need to converse, they should do it privately. The young ones should never become messengers or be put under unnecessary pressure. In addition, according to McFall, "Compensating with gifts and letting children get away with whatever they want" is one mistake that separated parents make often. Those actions are unfair to everyone.

Make Progress

What is the point of the separation? Whether for comfort or clarity, both adults should know precisely what they want out of the whole ordeal. They should each consider solutions and be open to change. Constantly working toward the final goal will make the experience worthwhile in the end. Communication is vital to those who have a chance of reuniting. What progress is being made? Is the couple any closer to their goals? Honesty is also key. When one person knows that the relationship is over, it's time to cut the cord, however much it will hurt the other person. Children and adults alike will suffer greatly from holding onto false hope.

Interview contact: Dave Mcfall; 253-529-0361

Learn more about this author, Shannon Beineke.
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