by Toni McKilligan

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

Seven years and three kids into my marriage and all I could think about was how unhappy I was. It seemed that I had three choices: jump ship, try to patch the leak, or go down with it.

The phrase, it takes two to tango, kept floating around in the back of my mind. I realized that I was as responsible for the state of my relationship as my husband was. The situation, though emotionally dire, was not necessarily unsalvageable. I had loved him dearly once upon a time, after all. At the moment, though, happily ever after did not appear to be anywhere in the script.

Multiple affairs loomed between us. My husband's infidelity had been tolerated almost since the beginning. Of course, then I was younger, childless, un-mortgaged and was able to support myself financially. Things had changed considerably and now there were obligations to be met, mouths to feed. It wasn't simple anymore. Painful as it was, I had to admit that I had helped to create the monster by turning a blind eye and pretending that it wasn't happening.

I knew two things. First, I did not intend to tolerate the affairs any longer. Second, I was going to have to be accountable and accept my part of the responsibility. I wanted nothing more than to believe that if I just explained to him how much I loved him and how much this was hurting me that he would change and everything would be wonderful. I owed it to him, to the kids and to myself to try.

It didn't work.

After pouring my heart out, I was informed that I was selfish and that I had no right to try to control his life. I was then told that if I tried to leave him, he would make my life a living hell. I remained out of fear for myself and my children for another three years.

I often wonder now how I could have been so stupid to get into the relationship in the first place. The writing was clearly on the wall long before we exchanged I do's. Yet I jumped on board without a second thought and quickly found myself drifting in a sea of diapers, debt and depression. Friends and family tried to help me see the light. What they didn't understand was that I did see the light; I just couldn't make myself step into it.

Relationships form for a reason. They are designed to test and to teach us. When we have learned the lessons and passed the tests, it is natural for the relationships to dissolve. I had learned my lesson, but I was failing the tests. I was stubbornly clinging to a sinking ship for no other reason than that I was afraid.

Courage is not the absence of

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