by Danielle Friedl

Created on: August 09, 2008

Here's the thing: it doesn't matter if you find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks - it's still going to be a surprise! I'm not much for waiting, and surprises make me nervous. I was the kid that unwrapped presents under the Christmas tree and replaced the tape exactly where my mom had placed it originally. I figured out when and where my husband was going to propose before he did it so I could be relaxed and not a bumbling idiot when he actually popped the question. The element of surprise has never ranked very high in my world because in essence - I like to be in control. And in pregnancy and childbirth there is very little, if anything, you can be truly in control over.

Obviously this is a decision that every couple needs to make on their own and there is no right or wrong answer. The beauty of making this decision is that you aren't causing any harm to your unborn baby whether you find out their gender or not. That being said, the only reason not to find out earlier seems to be the act of surprise following the actual birth, whereas knowing the gender halfway through the pregnancy has many benefits.

For one thing, you're not stuck with a color palette of only yellows and greens. This is advantageous for someone who, like me, detests the color yellow. It also seems that there are so few clothes that are truly unisex regardless of the color. It's either green with pretty bows or yellow with tiny cars and trucks, or vice versa. Decorating the nursery is fine - again, if you can stomach even more yellows and greens. In the end you're not going to be able to distinguish your baby's clothing and bedroom from his mustard-colored poop!

The naming of your baby is somewhat easier if you know the gender ahead of time. It's probably a good idea to have a back up name for the other gender just in case but at least you can focus on one or the other. Baby can hear voices from inside his dark world and it's nice to be able to address your growing tummy by name, rather than 'baby'. For first time moms they may feel less alienated from their baby if they're using a name.

If this is a second or third baby you've got the advantage of knowing whether your son's old baby clothes are going to be of use or you're going to need to go buy some pink stuff for his soon-to-be little sister. For siblings old enough to understand that a new baby is going to be entering the picture it may make the transition easier on them if they know to expect a little brother or sister. You can even find children's books specific to the sibling relationship that is about to be formed.

And back to that silly old element of surprise. Having found out I was carrying girls in each of my three pregnancies I was very excited and, yes, surprised at about 17 weeks when I found out. I also have to say that upon delivery I was still highly excited to meet my daughters but i felt that I had already formed a bond because I knew what I was having. I can also report that friends and relatives who decided against finding out were not more or less thrilled. Perhaps a few were a little less prepared, and maybe one or two were unfortunately not so pleasantly surprised, but the thrill level seems to be the same. You still count fingers and toes, you still ask if it's healthy. I suppose the difference in each of my cases was not asking 'What is it' but asking 'It's a girl, right?' Hey - those sonogram technicians have been known to make a mistake or two!

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