by Jacob Cohen-Donnelly

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

Vulnerability is one of the feelings that can absolutely destroy a relationship if both sides do not respect the other's vulnerability. It can make people fear their partner and as time goes on, force them to close out, become quiet, steer away, and overall, destroy the relationship. For the relationship to work, vulnerabilities need to be understood, but not feared. The following is a story between my fianc and me. It is a story that nearly destroyed her and me, but instead, by working through it, made us strong.

We fell in love instantaneously, the first night that we really got to spend time together. It was one of those romances where we both felt it, but because of our own fears, did not let it happen. That was the first night that we both felt vulnerable and it prevented the two of us getting together as more than just friends. But, that did not mean that we did not feel it. And as time went on, we finally began to accept these vulnerabilities.

The thing with being vulnerable with her was that she knew me completely and that scared me. When we finally started dating and accepted the way we felt, we could and did know when the other was sad, happy, excited, mad, alone, and any other emotion. And that was a very good feeling, but simultaneously, it was a scary feeling because we both were very independent people.

Now comes the part that nearly destroyed usShe moved away because of a job and since I was still in college, I could not go down and move in with her. We were both feeling more and more vulnerable and alone, but what could we do? At a chance of fate, I was able to get down to visit her. It was probably the one thing that saved us.

During the few days that I was down there visiting her, she and I crumbled. We both got scared because of the distance and we lost it. But, we did one thing that saved us. We talked. But, it was not just any kind of a talk. The thing with talking to the opposite sex is they take things differently. What I may take one way will be taken completely different to my fianc. Because of this, it really became an issue of finding the way to communicate.
And we did. For a man, I needed to feel as if what I was doing was good, was appreciated, was enjoyed. Even if it was just writing an article like this, it was in my male genetics to want to know that we were doing a good thing. As for her, she wanted to be comforted and cared for. Rather than me pulling away when she was vulnerable, me moving to her and hugging her made her feel as if there was hope.

The truth of the matter was very simple: we both had been feeling neglected and that made us feel even more vulnerable. By communicating with her, I was able to understand her fears and we grew closer. I thought I had loved her completely before this conversation. But, the truth of the matter was very simple: by getting passed our feeling of being vulnerable and just talking about what hurt us, we grew closer.

Vulnerabilities are normal and it makes sense to want to pull away and hide. But, the truth is, when looking back at my situation with her, had I pulled back and closed out like was normal, we would not have lasted. We would have crumbled and we would not have been able to make it. Accepting vulnerability and showing it to your partner can be an incredibly rewarding thing because it brings you two together even more. It brought her and me together.

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