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A recent TV commercial shows a panel of guys, discussing relationship issues, with call-in questions. One caller says "My girlfriend thinks I'm getting fat; what should I do?" Panelist one responds "Quit the nachos." Panelist two says, "Jog around the house." Panelist three suggests, "Try a different girlfriend?" and everyone laughs.

The spot is funny but it does address a real issue: most guys, unless they are in a serious, long-tem relationship (like marriage), don't want to talk about confronting negative attitudes or behavior. It's easier for many men to change venue than to change themselves.

But if there is an opportunity, and motivation on their part, to confront negative attitude or behaviors, there are few things that can be included in the conversation, or series of conversations, that can help lead to success.

1)Don't be judge, jury and executioner- with the opportunity to address faulty behavior, there can be a strong temptation to unload everything that has been built up over the months. If you walk in and blast someone with the attitude of "Yeah, it's about time, because you have done this and this and this" you are asking for a fight rather than a discussion. Most guys, unless they are testosterone deficient, are going to get defensive, and prepare to kick some butt. All validity that you may have about a topic goes right out the window, because it's now not about "right", it's about "win".

2)Let that guy know that you appreciate his openness- I'm not talking about a placating, subservient, victim attitude. I'm talking about expressing an attitude of appreciate for the cooperation. You do appreciate it don't you? Say so. Most guys have formidable egos, and while I am not saying pander to that, I am saying to communicate appreciation. Guys need to know that talking about the issue is showing strength, not weakness. It could be tough, but keep your eye on the end result, rather than on the fact that you may feel like it's not fair to complement someone who has had a stinky attitude or behavior for so long.

3)Stay on topic- if the issue is that the guy has been spending too much time out and not enough time at home, stay with it. Wait for another day to discuss the fact that he said your sister's rear was too fat. Nothing is more frustrating for a guy than to consent to sit down and discuss topic X, and end up with topics X plus A-K and M, N, O, P thrown in for good measure. Stay on topic and stay constructive. It will help him want to have additional discussions in the future.

4)I wish I had said this, but I didn't. George J. Thompson, PhD, wrote in amazing book on communication not to use "you always" or "you never" phrases. He calls these generalizations total lies, and notes that, when used, they will prompt the listener to start making a list of when he did or when he didn't, just to prove you wrong. Guess what? The whole conversation is lost. And I'd be willing to say that it would be that much tougher the next time to set up another talk.

Talking at a guy is not difficult. Talking with a guy is much more effort, but good fruit can be had if both, and I mean both, participants are willing to be honest, willing to be constructive, and willing to listen.

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