Having my share of faults, over 37 years of marriage, I've had many opportunities to learn how I react when confronted about those failings which seem so obvious to my spouse.
The relationship my wife and I have is long term, certainly by today's standards. One thing that certain is simply this, how guys react to criticism from a wife or girlfriend can vary depending on the age of the relationship.
A guy's reaction to being confronted about faults will differ if they are just dating someone, vs living together, newly married or married for some time.
There's no shortage of publications expounding on the differences between how men and women think. The very popular book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, explores those differences at length.
We're told now that men's genetic predisposition is to see things in terms of problems and objectives. The theory being this is that men's thinking had been molded over generations as hunters and warriors.
Men are said to be wired to treat a challenge as something to be overcome, conquered or subdued, an attack to be fended off, or a battle to be won.
Don't leave your dirty underwear on the floor, pick up you socks or put down the toilet seat shouldn't be a challenge to battle, but for lots of men, they often are.
When threatened by some criticism, fair or not, we might react with defensive posturing, or perhaps a more grandiose display of ego driven machismo, the human male equivalent to gorilla chest thumping.
Over the years I've certainly learned that I react differently to criticism from other guys than from women in general. Further, I know I react differently and more dramatically when my wife points out my faults than anyone else.
Why?
Guys tend to see each other as being competitors with a certain commonality or "equality". When a guy points out the faults of another guy such comments have a different context than if the comments come from a woman.
The exact same observations about guy's faults, from a member of the female sex, can feel more stinging, have more bite and be more emotionally potent than those coming from another guy.
Men compete for the attention of women. From simple flirtations to serious romantic overtures, it's all about biology and psychology. We want women to like us, love us and even, yes, dare I say it, desire us.
Deep down, when a woman points out the faults of a guy, that criticism registers as a rejection. Nothing deflates a male ego more quickly than having his faults recognized and highlighted by a woman. The effect is even more pronounced if that critical woman is also one you like, love or desire.
Here's what my wife and I have learned together.
Men, me included don't like to feel vulnerable, physically or emotionally. The intimacy of a relationship exposes us to the exact kind of threats to our ego, self esteem and masculinity we seek to guard against.
In pointing out our faults, it's easy for women to exploit, that vulnerability even without meaning to. When a man feels threatened by criticism his first instinct is often to become angry, defensive or even aggressive towards the source of that threat, all of which shut down communication.
One fault my wife uncovered was the negative way I reacted to criticism. In working through this and other issues of interpersonal communication with her we moved well beyond the superficial automatic responses sometimes called the "bitch and bark" method of communication.
If, like a lot men you're automatically reactive or defensive to criticism, especially from women, you'll be much less likely to work through issues with your partner successfully. If however you recognize these reactions being detrimental, it's an important first step to developing a deeper more caring relationship.
Giving your partner permission to talk about your faults without the need to reciprocate, retaliate or become defensive will dramatically help to improve communication and strengthen the relationship.
I'm certain that, above all else, simply learning to listen, really listen to my wife has made our relationship stronger and helped me become a better, happier person in the process and, that has made me love her even more.
In our bedroom is a small plaque which reads, "The objective of marriage is not to think alike, but to think together".
It's a simple concept but, put into practice can make all the difference between a happy relationship and a battleground.