by Ellie Tat

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: August 23, 2008

In my experience, once you start asking yourself this question, it is time to go. I have been in two relationships, in which I had doubts very early on. But I persisted trying and trying to make them work. They didn't.

The first relationship was with a guy who was in the army at the time we met. He had a year left on his contract and he was already making great plans what to do with his life after the army. I was impressed by the diversity of his interests, his ambitions and his vision for the future. The year went, he came back from the army and I quickly found out that it was all just talk. He was not the person who I fell in love with. He didn't actually want to do anything to turn his dreams into reality and I didn't want to be with someone who just sat back and moaned how unfair life was.

But I didn't break it up. I kept on hoping that he would change, giving myself more and more time. As time passed, it became harder to let go of the relationship. The longer we were together, the more attached I became to him and our life as a couple. I was scared of being alone and I started doubting that I could be with anyone else. Eventually, I did attempt to break up with him several times, but he would try to reconcile and every time I gave in. I nearly married the guy, but then an opportunity came up for me to work in another country and that was my chance to break free.

While I was overseas, I met someone else who was also far from perfect for me. My alarm bells went on a few months into the relationship, but I ignored them, just as I did the first time. I kept on working at it and I developed amazing tolerance for his shortcomings. I was in a relationship that was bad for me, but in a way, there was something spiritual about it. I was grateful for what I had and happy beyond measure during the good times.

It would have worked, if this tolerance hadn't been one-sided. He was constantly trying to change everything about me. I struggled really hard to please him, but I could never get it right. When I forgot to turn off a light in his parents' house, he took it as a sign that I didn't respect them. When I didn't hold him in my sleep, it meant to him that subconsciously I didn't have strong feelings for him.

Eventually, I realized that he would always find something about me to be unhappy with and gave up trying. Of course, his conclusion was that I didn't care about him and he broke up with me. I was devastated at the time, but now I can honestly say it was a good thing and I hope I have learned my lessons well.

I must be a slow learner it took me two relationships and over a decade to learn that people do not change in any significant way unless they have compelling reasons to do it for themselves and no one else. At least I got it in the end. And it could have been worse. I see people everywhere falling into the same trap and even staying for years in abusive relationships, because they believe that the person next to them will change with time and age, that their love will change him or her or that they can change for their partner. The chances are that it is never going to happen. It is wiser to move on and find someone you can truly be happy with and who will appreciate you for who you are.

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