by Talea Jurrens

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

I used to always be the one smiling and I laughed so much it became a trademark. People could recognize me by the sound of it. I felt very much in tune with my spirit and I lived daily with joy and peace. One day I woke up and realized that all of that had changed. A series of life altering events had taken place in a short period of time. This included the death of my beloved mother, a cherished great uncle and a dear friend. I found myself in the downward spiral of depression.

It was only when I woke up that I realized what a toll it had taken on one of my dearest relationships. In the midst of my spiral I was doing my best to pull my husband down with me. For what reason I can't imagine now. I could only see how bad things had gotten. My negative emotional world had wreaked havoc on one of the only positive things I had left in my life. That was my marriage.

When I finally got over my pity party and opened my eyes I could see what it had been doing to my husband. He loved me dearly and for him to see me so unhappy hurt him beyond words. It didn't stop there. My anger and grief blinded me to that truth. I was only looking for a scapegoat. Someone to take the blame for all of the unfortunate events that had occurred. Of course he was the closest one at hand. In my selfishness I didn't even think how much he was hurt by the loss of our family members. For he loved them dearly too and I never gave him a chance to grieve. This negative pattern robbed us both of the comfort in grieving together. There's a saying that you only hurt the ones you love most and I was giving it my best shot. He was often the victim of my sharp remarks and my bad attitude. I realize now that this had to have hurt his self esteem terribly. Sometimes I wonder if he had actually began to believe he was an ineffectual partner.

All the while I accused him it was actually me who was draining the joy and life from our relationship. There's another saying that misery loves company but I now have a saying of my own. Company doesn't love misery. This was apparent by the lack of friends and family who came to visit. A loss sad enough in itself as this was another source of our joy. I had always preached the necessity of avoiding negative energy vampires and I had become one myself. Thank goodness we didn't have small children. It was hard enough on our adult son who didn't even want to come around. To be honest, I'm surprised my husband even stayed. Any lesser of a man probably wouldn't have.

This negative tumble down cycle had also began to affect our health. I gained weight while he lost it. We sometimes lacked the energy for intimacy, caring for ourselves and for our home. My self imposed stress was enormous and I'm sure his was even greater. I remember laying awake many sleepless nights which always made me grouchy to him before he left for work. Not exactly the best way for him to start his day as he shuffled out the door without either of us saying goodbye. When I did sleep, I would awaken too tired to care about anything. Sometimes even whether or not he came home. I'm so glad I was finally jolted back to the fact of how much I love him and how great life really is. I can see in his eyes that he's glad to have me back too. He smiles a lot more often than he did then.

I hope this doesn't read like a dialog of my life story but I wanted to share these things with you so you don't make the same mistakes I did. Seeing the world through the dark lens of negativity affects every aspect of your relationship and not in a positive way. No good can come of it. Put on the rose colored glasses instead. The world will be a much prettier place for everyone.

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