by Talea Jurrens

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: November 22, 2011

The idea of being vulnerable is a very scary thing. Whether the threat is real or perceived doesn't change the difficulty in allowing ourselves to be in that place. No one wants to be hurt or taken advantage of. Sometimes we're too afraid to take the risk. We only realize later that we've missed out on something that had the potential to be really good. The regret and remorse of this experience is a pain all of it's own. The question is if we can't allow ourselves to be vulnerable, how can we expect our spouse to show vulnerability? How can we create an environment of trust and sharing if we can't allow that for ourselves?

To find the answer we must first look inside ourselves. What makes us so afraid? We ask ourselves, can it really be that bad we? Maybe it's because we all come into a new relationship with existing baggage. We all have a past and of course that starts with childhood. Maybe one parent left the other and the children feel abandoned. Sadly, it may have been in the form of parental abuse. Whatever may have happened, we carry these emotions throughout our lives. The feelings of damaged trust may never really leave and this can affect how we behave in adulthood. My husband and I grew up in the same neighborhood at the same time. We went to school together throughout our childhood. We were the kids from "the other side of the tracks". We and our schoolmates were often labeled as rowdy and therefore segregated from other children when our schools met. Sometimes we lived up to the image just because we felt hurt. This is a perfect example of why we avoid being vulnerable. Even though my husband and I have an understanding that most do not, we still talk about those school days and the way we were treated. It's important to talk about your childhood memories with your spouse. Talking about it helps your spouse understand who you are. In turn, your open conversation will allow your spouse to tell you who he or she is and usually without fear of judgment.

As adults many of us have already had at least relationship that went south and not just for the winter. Unless it's a cold day in hell of course. If you haven't you can be counted as one of the lucky ones and hope that it never happens. But most of the time that isn't facing reality. A divorce or some other failed relationship has hurt us so much that we are afraid to try again. My emotional baggage came from a twenty year marriage that ended abruptly and unexpectedly due to an Internet relationship

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