by Melinda Clayton

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: February 28, 2009

Out of every 1,000 marriages, nearly four will end in divorce before the seven year mark, or so says the United States Census Bureau. But numbers and statistics don't provide an accurate picture of the reality of divorce, and there are few hard and fast rules to follow during such a time. Witness the following:

"I just wish someone could tell me how I'm supposed to handle this," says Julie, who was recently informed by her husband of twelve years that he wants a separation. Still raw from the discovery of her husband's affair, Julie is overwhelmed by the possibility of becoming a single mom to two young children.

"This wasn't in the plan," she says, "And I have no idea how to react. Obviously, I want things to work out, but how can they? How could I ever get over something like this? He not only cheated on me, he cheated on the kids."

Unlike Julie, the end of Mark's marriage wasn't caused by infidelity. As Mark says, he and his wife "Simply grew apart. We realized that after fifteen years, we no longer had anything in common." Also unlike Julie and her spouse, Mark and his ex-wife are now on friendly terms, working closely to ensure that their two children are unharmed by their separation. But that wasn't always the case.

Mark and his ex-wife share custody, and live only a couple of blocks from each other. "Even when they're with me, the kids can ride their bikes to mom's house anytime," says Mark. While Mark admits that he and his ex-wife weren't always so amicable, he insists that their main concern through it all has been protecting their children from trauma.

Samantha and her husband represent still another faction of couples facing divorce. "I can't even stand to look at him," she says of her husband. "As soon as I have the money, I'm leaving. I don't want him around the kids. He's too hard on them. I can't let him do to them what he's done to me."

Although these couples all separated at varying stages and for varying reasons, they do have one thing in common: they all need time and space to heal. Separations are rife with anger and sadness. The emotional pain can be crippling in the beginning. Each half of a couple blames the other half for the breakup, accusations fly, and recriminations abound.

It's important in the middle of such trauma to be kind to oneself. Take space as needed, and take time to heal. Set limits and refuse to engage in hurtful, harmful conversations. Talk to friends and confidants, and don't be afraid to seek professional help if needed.

When children are involved, it's imperative to work together to ensure the needs of the children are met. Sometimes, outside help is needed to assist with custodial mediation and negotiation. In such cases, refrain from fighting, blaming, and accusing in front of the children. Instead, work out differences with the help of a trained mediator.

Separations are painful, regardless of the circumstances. Don't be afraid to ask for emotional support from trusted friends and loved ones. Allow yourself to grieve, and then allow yourself to heal.

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