by JRR

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

Healthy relationships are based on mutual feelings, respect, and support. For a relationship for survive and flourish, it takes willing participation but both parties.

When negativity, of any type enters into the equation, it can have devastating affects. At least, that is the case in my situation.

Like most, when I first met the man I was to marry, I had dreams of this wonderful life. A life full of happiness and all the good things that come with it.

It was subtle at first. A comment here and there about something he didn't think I had done right. Maybe the house wasn't clean enough, or one of the babies cried and he didn't want to hear it.

As time passed, those subtle comments became more prominent. When I would do something, like clean the house, there was never any acknowledgement for what was done, but he was very quick to point out what wasn't done, and what didn't meet his standards.

Soon it seemed I could do nothing right. I was being told constantly of all the wrong I was doing, of things I didn't do the way he felt they should be done.

After years of hearing this I completely believed it. It destroyed every bit of my self worth. Not only did it affect how I felt about myself, it also affected how I felt about him.

The constant negativity not only made me feel unworthy of anyone, it made my ability to love and trust, disappear. It killed my hopes and dreams of happiness or even a half way decent life.

Along with crushing me, it killed the relationship. It crushed anything positive that could be found.

There are always things people won't see eye to eye on, things they prefer done a certain way. That doesn't give them the right to make the other person feel bad as a person or to feel less than a person.

When one person has a negative attitude and begins to take it out on those around them it begins to breed hard feeling in the other and into the relationship its self.

In my case, the amount of negativity was more extreme than most. To the point of cruel and abusive.

For many years I tried, unsuccessfully, to counter act it by trying to be what he wanted me to be. I tried to do things the way he wanted, but it was never enough. It was never good enough.

It is now 21 years later, and I no longer remember being full of hopes and dreams. I no longer trust or love. I'm not sure I really know how to. More importantly though, I no longer change who I am to try to satisfy someone who would never be happy with me or who I no longer feel anything for.

Sadly, not only has all of this affected this relationship, it has also affected all other types of relationships in my life. When you see nothing good in yourself, you can't imagine anyone else seeing anything worthwhile in you either. I feel as though everyone sees me as he has told me for so long that I am, as I see myself, useless and worthless. Unworthy of anyone's love of affection.

Negativity in a relationship isn't always this extreme or this detrimental. In many cases it can be overcome, but it takes willing participation of both parties.

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