by Bobby B. Paul

Created on: August 09, 2008

I have, over time, managed to remove many of the pet peeves in my life. There are those little annoyances I find in others, but I have been able to keep them under management. However, one of those pet peeves that refuses to just lie down and take it like a pig at Tongan all you can eat buffet is when people eat with their mouth open. I cannot stand to hear that open mouth chewing from any creature.

That's probably the reason why I eat cows. Anybody who has ever had to work with cattle and be around as they eat is exercising every portion of altruistic patience by not just gutting the beast right there. I think ranchers and rustlers alike are some of the most patient people you will ever meet. If I had to drive the creatures across the plains while they chunk their cud there would be nothing at the end of it except a lot of indigestible bones and leather parkas.

I may be able to corral, kill and devour my own noisy animals. But it would appear that there are some fairly strict laws against doing that to a human who chews with its mouth opened. Liberals in this country just go too far. This means I have to deal with the world of open chompers on a daily basis.

Which brings me to Korea.

I had to fly to Seoul for business. I was on the plane for 30 minutes when the guy next to me, a Korean guy.who am I kidding? They were all Korean except for me. I was the minority and yes I did sit in the back of the plane next to a guy who started to eat some food that he brought.

"Ssssssssslurrrrrrrrrpah!"

No way! I did not just hear that noise!

Then came the cud chewing sound. I can't even spell it. There is no verbage in the American lexicon for this noise. Think of the word "cha" only say it with your mouth full of spit. Except that your mouth can't hold that much spit so you have to borrow some from the person sitting next to you. That's how it sounds. It feels worse; like Rosie O'Donnell covered in mucus and daring you to mud wrestle her.

I gave him the universal you are bugging the DNA right out of my living cells look. He was immune to it. I dug deep and felt every inch of my resistive powers being called up so as not to knock the food out of his hand and zip-tie his jaw shut and get a court order for a permanent feeding tube. I was amazed how everybody else could just act like nothing bothered them. Man these people were disciplined, I thought.

I was wrong as the provided dinner would soon prove.

At dinner time a barrage of slurping and sapping and swirling and open mouthed

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>