by Jennifer Bunn

Created on: August 09, 2008   Last Updated: August 19, 2008

Most of the time these days I feel so ashamed of myself for smoking that I dare not venture out in public, which is okay, I guess, because I can no longer smoke in public anyways. I am coming out of the (smoking) closet and admitting that I am a smoker. I am not proud of the fact, but I am ashamed only because others make me feel ashamed. Before you hurl invectives at me, let me add a caveat: I am a polite smoker. I do not smoke in my home or around my children. Nor do I smoke around non-smokers. Why, you may be asking yourself, do I continue to smoke in these circumstances? The answer is simple: because I enjoy it and because I am addicted.

I have been a smoker for almost 25 years. I come from a long line of smokers- my parents smoked, my relatives smoked, my siblings smoked...you get the picture. I had my first cigarette at the ripe old age of 7, at my father's baseball game. My kid brother and I were relaxing under the bleachers, surreptiously spying on the adults seated there, when what to our wondering eyes should appear but a half-smoked cigarette flung over the shoulder of an unsuspecting adult. My brother and I took our booty, snuck behind a porta-potty and shared the cigarette together. Oh, the excitement of ilicit behaviour!

Unfortunately for us, we were caught red-handed (or nicotine-fingered). Our punishment? We were put in the back seat of the family's overbaked station wagon and forced to smoke an entire cigarette apiece, with no opportunity to roll a window down. I can still vividly recall the peculiar shade of green of my brother's face. We certainly learned our lesson...as became evident when we both started smoking as teens.

I have been a slave to the unholy cigarette ever since. I have tried various times to quit without success, managing to go three weeks at the longest stretch. Mainly I have tried to quit because everyone around me delights in telling me how bad it is for me. Never have I tried to quit for my own reasons; my dirty little secret is that I enjoy smoking and, although I know it is bad for me, I will likely go on smoking until they make them unavailable to me. Such is the power of addiction.

Most smokers I know these days would dearly love to kick the habit and many have tried all the stop-smoking methods out there. I know I have. Yet until I decide on my own terms to quit for the right reason (me), I will continue to smoke.

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