by Bruce W. Coffman

Created on: August 08, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

Let's face it; nobody really wants to hear what's wrong with them and where they fall short of perfection. We guys are especially sensitive when it comes to this because of our egos. Women need to know this and take it into consideration when it comes time to confront their boyfriend of husband.

My ex-girlfriend, "Charlotte," was a perfect example of how NOT to confront a guy about his faults, or anything else for that matter. She would always wait until she was boiling mad before she would attempt to have the discussion and would inevitably wind up comparing me to her former boyfriends. "Chris always put the toilet seat down," or "Ryan always opened the door for me." Ladies, no one wants to hear anything about your exes, especially how they were superior to us in any way.

Comparing us to any of your exes is the quickest way to get us to shut down and block out anything constructive you might really have to say. Ranting and raving and yelling is another good way. We just don't seem to hear anything that is screamed at us. We'll probably buy you flowers because we know we did something wrong, but we certainly won't learn our lesson.

This isn't to say that you can't confront your man about his faults. We actually often know that we have a few and sometimes we're even willing to work on the ones we weren't aware of, if you handle it right. My current girlfriend, Monica, could write the book on this.

Whenever Monica is upset about something she lets me know clearly and in no uncertain terms, but she also refuses to talk about it for at least one hour. She uses that hour to cool down, get her head together and collect her thoughts. I'm sure that hour is also meant to give me time to ponder what I've done wrong and, believe me, I use it for that. Knowing that there is an important discussion coming up gives me time to prepare so I'm not caught off guard, so I'm more open to really listening to what she has to say.

Monica has also never once compared me to one of her exes. She has never made those little clever remarks about how Tony would never have forgotten their three month anniversary. This has allowed me to preserve my ego and think, like every man wants to think, that I am the best darn man she's ever met in her whole life. Then, of course, I wake up. But, it's a nice feeling to think that she's treating me like me instead of wondering if she should trade me in for something better or contact one of the exes.

Monica has pointed out several faults to me and I have never once been offended, hurt or angered when she has done it. She does it with compassion, tact and respect and never does it in anger. Those are actually the keys to her success in dealing with me. She has taught me a great deal about maintaining a healthy relationship, because we actually apply those principals to all aspects of our lives.

If you have to confront your guy, or anyone else for that matter, with a fault, always make sure you don't do it while you're mad. Then, treat the person with respect, compassion and tact. Basically, think about how you would feel if someone were telling you the same thing. You would want to know that they respected and cared about you as a person in spite of your faults first. Then they would be more willing to hear what you have to say and treat you with the same respect by trying to change their ways. So, Charlotte, Monica does a much better job of communicating than you did.

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