by Wendy Machmer

Created on: August 08, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

Whether to stay or go is perhaps one of the most life-changing and difficult decisions a person may face in a relationship. Of course, anyone who has second thoughts or finds himself or herself on the fence, so to speak, has already entered into a process of decision-making. The fact that you are having misgivings at all is a red flag. Making a final decision will involve a great deal of soul-searching, self-awareness, and a process of weighing the pros and cons. Hopefully, it will also involve counseling or serious meaningful discussions between partners.

Circumstances will differ for everyone who finds themselves contemplating this decision. Some people have told me that they would never consider a divorce unless their partner was physically abusive to them. Others have said that they just can't stay in a relationship where their partner rarely interacts with them. Each person seems to have their own limits. Until you are actually contemplating this decision you may not even know what your limits are.

Some of the signs that you are in a bad relationship are included here:
1) Respect is absent.
2) Arguments ensue over even the smallest problem.
3) Physical and/or emotional distance between you and your partner increases.
4) Trust dissolves.
5) You find yourself dreading your partner's presence.

These are but a few of the general elements that would signal a person to the breakdown of a relationship. An essential question to ask yourself is, " Do I still love this person?" If the answer is unequivocally "Yes," then you undoubtedly will want to explore further.

In my own case, after being married for three decades, my husband and I shared a long history, including the children we had raised together. For us, we knew that our relationship was in trouble and that we could no longer live in dysfunction. When I could no longer tolerate living in turmoil, I made a decision that I would either have to leave the marriage or work together with my partner to save it.

My needs were no longer being met, nor were his. I was able to understand that the behaviors we were displaying toward each other did not lend themselves at all to
focusing on the other's needs. We had both reached a place of just trying to survive.
We had also put up walls of protection, each guarding against the other's harsh words or complacency.

We found that we both wanted to save our marriage, if we could. We set and agreed on a goal to openly discuss the issues each of us had. Over a period of a week we had several

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