by Gurmeet Mattu

Created on: August 08, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

How do you talk to your man about the future? Well, first of all you must realise that men are geared towards immediate results much more than women. Their primitive instincts tell them to kill prey and impregnate women, both short term strategies. Women, on the other hand, with the need to bear children and nurture them, must necessarily take a longer term view.

But men are also, generally, more ambitious and driven than women and if a woman can tap into this she may find a route to fulfilling her own desires.

We are assuming here that the woman sees a long term future with this partner, but is unsure if he feels the same. What she is basically searching for is reassurance that they do have a future together. If there is no commitment to this it would seem that the best course of action would be for both parties to go their separate ways and seek out new, and perhaps more suitable, partners.

Both my marriages foundered on this inability to match courses towards out futures. In the first case my wife was an introvert and we had very little deep conversation about our future. Funnily enough it was usually me who instigated it. She once made the statement to me that I can't argue with you, because you always win' and this worried me because it implied that either my debating skills were much better than hers or that I was in some way browbeating her.

In the second case my wife was quite happy to let me make the running when it came to our future, but was quick to accuse me if things did not work out as planned. This seemed a bit unfair because if she had contributed to the discussion in the first place the outcome might have been different.

The point I'm trying to make, and why these two situations failed, is that the communication was flawed. Communication, even more than love, is the glue which holds a relationship together. From your very first meeting you should be open and honest about who you are, what you are looking for, and where you are heading for. If you held to that principle there would be no need to ask yourself how you should approach discussion of the future with your man. It should have been plainly stated from the very beginning, and by both parties.

The unfortunate thing is that we all play mind games and I am as guilty as the next man or woman. The little lies to make ourselves appear more attractive soon become instinctive, and eventually we are essentially living a lie. I don't mean quite a Walter Mitty existence, but a life where all the little pieces don't quite connect. All it takes is one small misunderstanding of something said or done for the whole house of cards of the relationship to collapse. How often have you said, But I thought you meant " when you should have known that this was not the case. You should have known because the person you are having the relationship with should have been honest with you from the start and allowed you to make a valid value judgement.

But, to err is human and we must be prepared to accept that we all play these games and misunderstandings are always going to exist between people. But one should strive to minimise these and the best way is to keep the lines of communication open. Huffs are permissible, but only for a limited time.

How do you discuss your future with your man? Easy, talk to him.

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