by Kim Everett

Created on: August 08, 2008   Last Updated: December 19, 2008

Relationships are difficult enough for the two main parties. Combining two sets of values, outlooks, lifestyles, and interests is tough enough. When the families of the parties are added to the mix, it can be disastrous.

The good news is that it does not have to be. If each party has an ample amount of love and determination, mixed with a huge dose of acceptance, they can learn to live with, even enjoy, the differences in one another's families.

Acceptance is one of the major elements necessary for any relationship. It ranks right up there with love and trust, and both parties must be willing to extend that acceptance not only to each other, but to each other's families as well. Learning and accepting that every person and every family is different is an important lesson. We should view the act of being around people who are different from us as an opportunity to learn something new, not as a dreaded chore. The ability to love others, warts and all, is something that we should all work toward, and what we start out thinking are warts, might be what makes someone interesting. There is no way to know until we give them a chance.

My husband and I have been married for 32 years, and our families were as different as night and day. My family always got together for every occasion, large or small. My husband's family was content to get together less often. They did not love each other less than my family did, they simply did not feel the same need to gather. There was no right or wrong or good or bad in this situation. It was simply a difference in the families.

His family was content to stay close to home and had no interest in traveling. My family went on two-week vacations every summer. My parents never had loud arguments, and they even hid the quiet ones from the kids. My husband's parents did not ever try to hide their disagreements, and they did not mind getting loud in front of others. My husband's family was not outwardly affectionate, and mine hugged every time we saw each other. My clan and his had very different personalities and very different lifestyles.

It took both of us a while to adjust. My husband endured many more family gatherings than he might have liked, and he had to listen to endless summer vacation stories, which I am sure were terribly boring. For my part, I had to get used to being around people who were loud and sometimes openly disagreeable. Looking back, I see that getting loud occasionally and openly disagreeing when you feel the need isn't such a bad thing. Back then, however, I found it quite shocking.

My husband has now lost his parents and siblings, and my parents have passed away as well. The differences seem small now, and certainly less important than they did 30 years ago. With the passage of time, I have begun to understand that differences are opportunities to learn and broaden my horizons. I am glad that I loved my husband enough to love the family from which he came. And it all started with acceptance.

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