by Shane Graham

Created on: August 07, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

The best advice I can give to a woman looking for a good relationship is to have realistic expectations. You know those guys you read about in the romance books you buy at the grocery store, or those hunky, sensitive stars in your favorite "chick-flick"? They don't exist.

I'm not saying guys are dogs and you can't find a good one, but you just have to realize that we are human too. Not someone's fantastic creation. Allow us to be human and expect for us to make mistakes and be prepared to forgive us if we do.

I can't speak for all men, but I would never intentionally say something hateful or do something mean to my wife and she knows it because I show her every minute of every day. If your man says something that hurts your feelings, take a moment and see if there's another way he could have meant it. If there is, please, give him the benefit of the doubt, because most likely he didn't mean to insult the person that he loves. Sure, if it's a common thing, call him on it, but don't make him feel as though he needs to be walking on eggshells around you all the time.

I've known woman that expect men to be mind readers or possess vast powers of empathy. While I agree that a man should pay attention to his mates' moods and desires, we can't really be expected to know what's wrong, on the off chance we do notice something is amiss in the first place, if you won't tell us the problem. That just ends up making you madder and frustrates us. It's a lose/lose situation. Odds are he still loves you; he just did something stupid and doesn't realize it. I think I'd be more concerned if he automatically realizes what he's done, that could mean he just didn't want to get caught. Or doesn't care. If he doesn't know, give him a break.

Men deal with emotions differently than women. While we love as deep and feel as strong about some things, we are taught from a young age to be careful how we show it; else we might be considered sissies and get beaten up on the playground. Sure, you may be the most important thing in his life, but that's not going to change that part of his brain that remembers the playground lessons. There's only so far you can change a man. And if you loved him at the start, why would you want to change him? I'll grant you that we all need a little help before you are comfortable with taking us out in public, or to meet your friends, and family, but don't try and change us too much, we quit being who you fell in love with, or we start resenting it.

People often sabotage their own relationships. Whether it's because they are unconsciously getting back at an ex, or just deciding that they have to be in control and show this by getting their shots in before the other partner can hurt them. This is no way to go through life, much less a relationship. Relationships should be based on trust.

I try to be as good a husband as I know how to be. My wife and I honestly never fight, yell, or even raise our voices to each other, much to the bewilderment of our friends and co-workers. That, in turn, confuses us, because we can't see the point in deliberately hurting the person that we love, the person that we've chosen to live the rest of our lives with.

The secret to a good relationship is each partner needs to give a little more than half and expect the same. Life is hard enough; you don't need to look for things to make it harder. Try and select a man that will be a partner throughout life, because in a lot of ways, it's that partnership that stands against all obstacles. Try and ignore little things and always remember why you got together in the first place.

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