by MiLa Driver

Created on: August 07, 2008   Last Updated: August 20, 2008

Plates in the sink, yesterday's mail on the table, and a variety of foods that belong in the pantry are sitting nonchalantly on the counter. As he enters the room, his brow furrows in building frustration and his steps slow as he approaches what he perceives as the catastrophic scene which is the kitchen. Who did he think was going to clean up? We both work and are tired when we drag our aging bodies into the house. Whose responsibility is it anyway?

For the most part, my husband is not really one to make a big deal about a messy house, but every now and then he'll get really frustrated at it. My guess is that it happens after a not so easy day at work. I can always sense when he hasn't had a good day. His eyes are glazed over, his face is drawn, and his body seems to be imploding. Consequently, because I am tired as well and have the anticipation of a low tolerance threshold on his part, any little comment will get on my last nerve.

It hurts my feelings when he blurts out things like, "Look at this pigpen!" or "This is disgusting!" If I were to tell him let's both clean it up, he'd be more than happy to pitch in. But why is it that HE is helping ME and not vice-versa? More importantly, it is always "Lets clean up," not "Let me clean up." If I'm not helping, he's not doing it. I see this as unfair. Yet, I have found that if I don't react to him, he'll quickly get over it instead of me barking back at him and making the whole situation escalate. I let him vent and say something like, "You're grouchy!"

While he tends to be negative about things like the house, I tend to be negative about other things such as traveling. We have never been to Europe because I dread flying over stretches and stretches of endless depths of ocean. I can see the plane going down, people screaming so loudly their voices don't come out, and the ocean getting closer and closer to my window. I know we are missing out because of me and that makes me feel foolish. Now that our kids are older, going overseas is becoming a more tangible occurrence. If our plane were to nosedive into the dark depths of ocean infinity, our kids would no doubt still make it on their own.

My husband tends to hold on to hard feelings. Hours after a confrontation with someone, he'll still be fuming and shaking his head in disbelief. Me, I get over it really quickly. It takes a lot to get me angry and sometimes this is taken as me not caring or being nonchalant. This affects us when dealing with our children. I hold my breath when my daughter starts being a little pain in the butt, knowing that my husband will take her way too seriously. It inevitably boils over onto the rest of the family. I have learned to deal with my daughter and let things go in one ear and out the other. I pick my battles. This is interpreted as being too lenient.

In order to live with someone who has different points of view, who interprets things differently and handles stress unlike you do, you have to know, understand, and respect that person without losing respect for yourself. One thing to remember: Q-TIP (Quit Taking It Personally). Negativity is not about you, it is about how that person sees the world.

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