by K. Bella

Created on: August 06, 2008   Last Updated: August 08, 2008

My heart was broken. And so was my baby's.

Nine weeks into my pregnancy, we were scheduled for an ultrasound. The doctor terms this procedure as "dating", claiming they will be measuring the fetus for age as a means of defining a more accurate and exact due date. What they don't tell you is that an ultrasound at eight to 10 weeks is truly to test the viability of the pregnancy. In other words, they want to ensure that the fetus has a heartbeat.

The nurse called my name and off I waddled to the quiet, dark room, lit only by the light of the computer screen. The 37 ounces of water that I had to drink prior to the appointment that morning was causing me to have the gait of a nine-months pregnant woman about to give birth, as opposed to the first trimester mommy that I actually was. The hum of the ultrasound machine was near silent but caused my excitement to bubble.

"Any bleeding with this pregnancy?" The technician was cold and her questions pointed.

"No." Thank God.

"Any morning sickness?"

"Nope." Not yet!

"Weight?"

"Um," I looked at my husband, eyebrows raised. "I'd rather not say," I said with a giggle.

"Weight?"

"137." Man, she is cranky.

I lay back on the table as instructed and lifted my shirt as the technician stuffed an oversized paper bib into the fly of my pants. It wasn't uncomfortable at all, unless you find it odd for a miserable 40-something woman to stick her hands in the elastic of your underwear. She placed the wand on my stomach and slathered the cold gel all over my mid section.

There it is, I thought. There's my baby!

"I'm going to look at some boring stuff first," the tech informed me and my husband as we gripped hands.

"Okay."

Silence.

Why isn't she saying anything?

"Is something wrong?"

The silence became deafening as I stared at the screen, now barely breathing and paralyzed at what I felt might be coming, yet prayed would never come to pass.

"I'm not finding any cardiac activity."

My heart began pounding. Was it enough to make my baby's heart beat?

We stared at the screen as she slid the wand over my stomach, back and forth, pressing, clicking away at the machine.

"Do you even feel pregnant?"

Bitch.

I looked up at my husband. His glare was fixed on our baby as if he was trying to give it life through his eyes. His beautiful eyes.

"You can relieve your bladder. I am going to get the doctor and she will have a word with you."

I slowly arose from the table after wiping the now fatal gel off of my belly. The world seemed to stand still as I stood in desperation and

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