by Kimberly H. Smith

Created on: August 04, 2008

Guilt works. Creating that feeling in your spouse can be manifested through a "Honey Do" list. I put mine on the refrigerator. I give it a title, "If my (husband) really loves me, (he) will..." Then I list the things I need him to do. Not want him to do-NEED him to do.

My spouse is an advocate of a clean house. He always has been. In fact, I was a notorious slob pre-marriage. But when we moved in together, I had to conform or fight with him every day about it. I chose to conform, and since I did, his participation in keeping the house clean has diminished. It comes down to: If I can get my spouse to pick up after me, why should I hang my slacks up after I take them off? Or Why should I replace the empty roll of toilet tissue when my spouse will do it? He created a monster when he showed me the error of my unkempt ways. So my guilt laden "Honey Do" list is how I encourage him to participate in the housework.

The "Honey Do" list should be short in content. Too many items will only dissuade your spouse from even attempting to do anything on it. Four or five items is good. The first one or two should be simple tasks which require little effort on your spouse's part. Perhaps something he or she has been expressing a desire to do anyway. And the final item should be subtitled, "If my (husband) really and truly loves me like (he) did on our wedding day, (he) will..."

After you have created your list, place it on the refrigerator or another highly visible place for your spouse to see it. Don't announce your creation of the list or its placement. Let your spouse discover it on his or her own. If your spouse rejects the notion, do nothing. Leave the list up and wait. You will find that your spouse will eventually get around to at least one of the items. Even if it's a half-hearted attempt, it's a start. If your spouse embraces the list, don't remove it until they finally complete all or most of the items.

The "Honey Do" list should only be used sporadically. A weekly list is not encouraged. A monthly one is a possibility but caution should be used to avoid lessening the guilt effect. Another option is to post the list only when special projects arise. Special projects such as preparation for a garage sale, spring cleaning, entertaining guests, or important holidays.

Once your spouse has made the transition to successfully participating in housework, change the form of the list. Make "Honey Do" post-it notes or "Honey Do" paper strips. This will show your spouse that you have recognized his or her contributions. I also suggest changing the title to something else guilt evoking, such as "If my (husband) really appreciates me, (he) will..." or "Because my (husband) is devoted to our marriage, (he) will..."

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