by Clarkson Wroe

Created on: August 04, 2008   Last Updated: August 05, 2008

A thought struck me the other day, as they are apt to do once or twice a month. And that thought was how have wars survived the health and safety' era.

Surely someone in Westminster or Whitehall has spotted the fact that if you randomly supply people with guns, bullets, bombs and tanks it is, on the whole, quite dangerous and must therefore contravene a variety of documented health and safety' regulations.

After all when bed races', firework displays', children's playgrounds' and even carol services' are deemed too dangerous for the publics own good, it seems to me, that arming a spotty adolescent, who has a GCSE in woodwork, with a Lee Enfield is tantamount to being irresponsible.

I pondered that if the United Nations could be persuaded to big up' the importance of health and safety' to the Mujahaddin, the antagonists of Iraq and the factotum of terrorists and warring factions world wide, then these bodies may just see the error of their ways and realise that if not more careful they might seriously hurt themselves.

It may be just coincidence but when the authorities in the past began to point out how risky it was to ride a moped without a helmet' or sit in a car without a seat belt on', then both the Baader Meinhof gang and the Red Brigade pulled out of hijacking and blowing up planes. I assume that they hadn't previously realised how dangerous it was just getting to the airport, but when these hazards were kindly pointed out by officialdom, then these playful anarchists realised their waywardness and desisted from further ill doing.

Of course some may not agree that they became converts to health and safety' and highlight the fact that most of them were shot or arrested and imprisoned; however had they not been then I am convinced that my synopsis would have been correct.

How therefore could we eradicate conflicts around the world and make it a healthier and safer' place in line with New Labour. Well firstly we could send Mr Eric Postlethwaite from Barnsley Council Offices out to meet with the insurgents in Baghdad, armed with a clip board and a file relating to the dangers of transporting high explosives in a 1970's Ford Truck with incorrect tyre pressures.

Obviously this has the added bonus of being a bit cheaper than despatching 2Para and the SAS but may require the taking on of a couple of additional part time typists, strictly on minimum wage, back in South Yorkshire to deal with the extra paperwork, this is no real problem however as costs could be factored in when the next annual poll tax increases are implemented.

Mr Postlethwaite would of course have to train up a replacement to take over his crucial roll of training staff and pupils in the schools throughout Yorkshire in the ways of correct step ladder use' but there must be graduates out there with sufficient ability and mental fibre to attempt to fill this most arduous of career opportunities or perhaps even a member of the soon to be defunct SAS could undertake it, following suitable tutelage, obviously.
So the answer to ending universal conflict is simple, replace the armed forces worldwide with Civil Servants from the Department of Health and Safety and embrace a future with no more statutes of men like Nelson and Wellington, a future of no more tales of heroics as of Wolfe at Qubec or of Gordon at Khartoum, a future of no more memorials to hero's like The Few' and the Pals'.

Instead the future will be one of memos in triplicate commending Eric Postlethwaite on a job well done and a future where every man, woman and child is officially certified in the art of ascending a step ladder to the required safety standard and more importantly is fully qualified and adept at safely making it back to ground level with health intact

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