by Cari Ross

Created on: August 04, 2008

manic depressive
schizoaffective
nonchalance left
me long ago
am i still me and
why

new diagnoses
old understanding
denial is past
questions asked
only time answers
why

pain is present
mental anguish
swollen breasts
longed for your
soft lips' caress
but poisoned milk
meant to extend my
life would only
bring you death
someday will you
understand
why

my daily cocktail
now comes
in tablet form

or liquid shots
of another sort
but never again
will my dry lips
caress the spirits
that once numbed
my self medicated
pain i felt daily
without understanding
why

the chemistry of
better living
brought sedation
stronger than anything
weaker than love
but i unable to show it
for fear that you someday
would not be mine
be taken away from me
due to my

new diagnoses
old understanding
her past denial
my then fading smile
hid gritted teeth
clenching my tongue
wanting to lash out
in anger til softer
words could speak in
a voice not mine own
to ask her
why

she knew
and did nothing
no physical boundaries
i knew
not where the world began
and my body ended
bruises from
walls running into me
eyes playing tricks on me
ears hearing her scoldings
or were they mine own
voices echoing within me
tears pouring down me
without understanding
without knowing
why

i felt it was my fault
somehow i had to be
perfect i tried to be
perfect in spite of myself
or my selves better yet
but we were never good
enough it seemed
to please
i tried everything
i could think of
with limited knowledge
without understanding
why

fear of rejection
wanting attention
yearning for affection
being rightfully blamed
for acting up
to get it
but doing so
brought nothing
but what i feared
i still do not
understand
why

fibromyalgia
rheumatoid arthritis
plantar fasciitis
new words to me
new answers found
to old questions asked
but answered by
suggestions to see
therapists to cure the
curse of a hypochondriac
a word i learned very
early in life
without knowing
why

they always asked if i
knew the date
and the president
when tests came back fine
leaving doctors perplexed
at my apparent anguish
thinking it came from
inside my head when only part
of it did and
now i know
why

new diagnoses
old understanding
the future is holding me
in limbo i'm waiting
for the sky to embrace me
in its white fluffy clouds
as i fall to sleep
peacefully
waking
painfully
after laparoscopy
he'll be there
to take care of me
already expecting me
to be a little loony
but will he truly know
why

endometriosis
i googled
the spelling
to see if i'm right
as i write my new
vocabulary word
i learned last week
when after months of
abdominal pain i
finally decided
to find out
why

new diagnoses
old fears returning
answers

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