by Kitty Murphy

Created on: August 03, 2008   Last Updated: December 30, 2010

"Once a cheater-always a cheater". Isn't that the rule we've always heard? One of the core beliefs held in our society about sexual relationships is that people who are prone to cheating have some sort of biological or emotional deviation from the norm. The cheater is looked upon as someone with a problem to be cured, or more accurately, has an incurable problem.

Well, I'm here to tell you there are exceptions to every rule. We should first look to the cheater for explanations as to why they cheat. Most will say it's not just the sex they are after but some missing ingredient in their primary relationship. Many will say the affairs they have are exciting, clandestine of course and possibly caring.

I am married to a former cheater. Happily married I might add. He does not cheat anymore. Do I know for a fact that he never will again? Of course not. Do I worry about his past? No. When I met this man he was dating four women. One was his ex-wife; a bad habit impossible to break-or so he thought. One was a telephone relationship that had begun online. One was a woman he could have wild times with, but who also cared enough about him to ask how his day had gone. And one was me.

The ex-wife problem is fairly typical. It's comfortable, predictable and boring. A part of marriage can also be like that. You want comfort and predictability a safe haven from the world outside. Someone to come home to and bear your soul. Someone to share meals with, to be with you in sickness and in health. It can become very un-sexy.

The wild woman is the antidote to this marital dilemma. She's fun, unpredictable, and doesn't cook for you or wash your clothes. She isn't there when you are sick, she's just-in your bed. Very sexy.

The phone girlfriend is your confidante. You tell her all the things you can't tell the ex-wife or the wild woman. She knows all about the others and still she is there to sympathize and feel so sorry for your terrible plight. She coos over you and tells you how wonderful you are and praises your long-suffering self.

And then there's me. I was and still am a combination of all of the above women. My husband never in a million years believed that he could have all of his women wrapped up in one neat tidy package. He was searching for that one person who could handle all of his needs all of his fantasies and all of his emotional baggage. On most days I am now that person. On the days I can't handle it, he waits for me to come back.

He learned through a wonderful therapist and a lot of trust that he didn't have to cheat to get his myriad needs met. The day he committed himself to me he looked me straight in the eye and swore he would love me and me alone every day for the rest of his life and I chose with eyes wide open to believe him. Six years have gone by and still his love and commitment remain unchanged. One by one I listened to him tell the others good-bye and with each conversation his heart grew lighter and closer to mine.

It wasn't easy. For either of us. It took me awhile to fully trust him, but I will never forget the day he went down on one knee and told me I was "his everything".  I was all of the women he was searching for; the wife, the confidante, the wild woman, and the friend. And I still am today. Oh yes. A relationship with a former cheater CAN definitely work out.

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