Army wives. We're not what you think.
I always get a chuckle when the show Army Wives comes on T.V. If the American public relies on the Lifetime network to give them an accurate portrayal of Army wives, they may as well believe the show Scrubs is an adequate representation of the medical world. Sure, the program's written for entertainment purposes and millions of people enjoy it. The show, however, runs the risk of labeling and pigeon-holing women who are as varied and unique as grains of sand. Bottom line: there is no Army wife archetype.
Army wives can be doctors; receptionists; salespeople; child care providers; scientists; teachers; secretaries; and stay-at-home moms. They hold every kind of job imaginable. They are mothers and fathers both. Most are patriotic, though some are not. They are always strapped for cash, or have plenty of money to go around. Some Army wives are military members themselves. Army wives have graduate degrees, GEDs or something in the middle. Most speak English, some don't. Some are strong of faith and go to church every Sunday. Many forgo religion altogether and sleep in. Army wives are strong of character, always trying to do what's right by staying faithful to their husbands during long deployments. Some Army wives commit adultery. Army wives have a strong love for family and friends. Many are estranged from the people in their lives. Army wives are unique individuals just like the rest of the country. Believing that a cable show will somehow give you insight into military family life will only leave you with a very small piece of the picture.
Having grown up a military brat, I often tell my husband how fortunate he is to have a spouse with prior "military family experience". He usually rolls his eyes and continues whatever it is he's doing. But there's some truth to my comment. I grew up in a family that moved all the time. A family where daddy not being home for Christmas, or always being the new kid on the block, was normal. Once "married to the military", there was no culture shock for me when faced with an extended deployment or a move every two years. I did, however, find a new-found respect for my mother who raised four children (all born in different countries) while her husband was out to sea for months at at time.
Sadly, many Army wives who marry young can be unprepared for long periods of separation and can feel they've gotten more than they have bargained for. They may soon come to resent both their spouses and the military once all the patriotic banter fades and reality sets in. They are filled with a sense of disillusionment towards the military life that they once believed would provide a secure environment for themselves and their children. In a time of war, these wives are faced with raising children and running a households singlehandedly. Many find this prospect overwhelming or impossible. These reasons account largely for the staggering rate of divorce among young military couples. On the other hand, there are many spouses who thrive in the sudden environment of independence and responsibility. They find new faith and inner strength that they never knew they had. This can be a double edged sword, however, when their spouses return home and expect these wives to relinquish their new-found capabilities. Many children are angry with their dads for leaving and have strong feelings of abandonment. Other children are simply disconnected. It is up the the Army wife to smooth the rough edges and transition the family back into some semblance of normal. Often times, adjusting to home life after a soldier returns is just as difficult and long as the deployment itself. The family dynamic is in perpetual flux.
So what do Army wives have in common? Most of us share in the loneliness of having a husband in a dangerous, far away place. We worry that getting sick or hurt will prevent us from being able to take care of our children while our husbands are away. We miss having our best friend to talk to at night. We think about the car breaking down and how our husband's cell phone number is now useless to us. We do our best to keep our kids occupied and distracted. We connect and rely on other spouses to help soften the edges of deployment. We cry while folding our husband's tee shirt that somehow made it into the laundry months after his departure. We smile and tell our children for the hundredth time that daddy's coming home soon. We spend a fortune on postage sending pictures, letters and packages overseas. We live for that phone call or web cam visit. We set a place at Christmas dinner for daddy and leave the tree up until he returns. We dread seeing that Red Cross letter or anyone in uniform at the door. We worry for the love of our lives and father of our children half a world away. We suppress our worst fears in order to get through each day. We realize that our best protective mechanism is living in denial. We wait.
We're not pro-war, why would we be? We have the most to lose. We're not anti-war either. We're fiercely proud of our soldiers and take great offense when politicians allude that only stupid, uneducated people join the military. We believe, much like our husbands, that this country is worth fighting for and that for some the military is a higher calling.
If I've ruined anyone's illusions of what being an Army wife is like, please know that my intentions were neither to preach or admonish. I only wish to inform the reader that a television show is written for ratings, and not necessarily to reflect the truth. Regretfully, unlike the show, we're not all gorgeous. We're skinny, fat, or just right. We range in ages from our teens to our eighties and up. Some of us have husbands in a war zone, some of our soldiers retired many years ago. But just as it was in past wars and will be in the wars to come, it's the Amy wife that is the glue holding the family together and keeping that yellow ribbon on the door. Unfortunately, if you haven't lived it, it's really hard to understand it. Perhaps that's why I find the show so amusing. Who knows, maybe the Comedy Channel will pick it up. Just kidding.