by Kim Everett

Created on: August 02, 2008   Last Updated: August 26, 2008

Alcohol abuse has torn apart countless marriages and ruined countless lives. When alcohol abuse is involved, there are always serious trust issues, and a marriage cannot survive without trust. The alcoholic has lied often, made and broken too many promises, and generally not done his/her part of the work in the relationship. Alcoholics, however, are not bad people. They are people with a disease that causes them to be unable to live life on life's terms.

Spouses ask them to stop drinking, and they promise they will. But they can't because they do not know how to live without drinking. When asked where they have been and what they have been doing, they lie. To try to curb their feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and not fitting in, alcoholics will sometimes get involved in extra-marital affairs with people who will drink with them. Of course, this is another huge blow to the marriage.

In addition, it can be very difficult for alcohol abusers to hold a job, and the spouse is often forced to carry the entire financial burden. When they are unable to make enough money on their own to keep the bills paid, the financial problems snowball and add enormous amounts of stress onto an already volatile situation. Spouses usually end up resenting virtually everything about the drinker because life simply becomes too difficult.

On the other side, spouses of alcoholics, because of the resentment that they have built up, often begin to treat the alcoholic badly. They nag them about their drinking, make threats about leaving, watch them like hawks, treat them like children, and often leave them with the idea that they are worthless. It is a vicious cycle. One treats the other badly. Then anger and resentment build up and results in the other being treated badly as well.

Living with an alcoholic is a tough situation all the way around, and the blame cannot be placed on only the drinker or the spouse. Fortunately, even if the drinker does not want help, the spouse is free to seek out solutions. Going to Al-Anon Family Groups, a support group for family members and friends of alcoholics, is a very positive step for spouses. At Al-Anon meetings, they can learn how to live their lives, regardless of whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not. They can learn how to work on their own shortcomings instead of focusing on those of the alcoholic. And, they can find a better way to live.

Many people do not understand the dilemma of the spouse of an alcoholic. It seems simple to others. He/she drinks too much, so divorce them. What are spouses who still love them supposed to do? Maybe leaving isn't the right answer for them. Al-Anon meetings can help them get the focus back where it should be so that they can make sound decisions.

Go to www.alanon.alateen.org for more information on support and help for spouses of alcoholics.

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