by Christine G.

Created on: August 02, 2008

AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

Dear son-in-law-to-be,

Be advised: even though men are spared most of the hassle of weeding preparations, the challenge of marriage does not end with getting back the full damage deposit on your rented tuxedo. There are a number of potentially traumatic transitions you must face. You may notice the first warning signs even before the reception begins, producing an intense desire to get drunk. But don't give in to that; it will only made things worse.

Face it: you're on an endless learning curve here. Your sweet turtle dove will begin to assert her new role as woon as you are pronouned man and wife. As she proceeds down the aisle at your side in the most expensive piece of clothing she has ever owned, smiling ethereally at the battalion of flashing cameras, she will be hissing in your ear, "For heaven's sake! Do you have to slouch like that?" At that moment of truth, you will realixe that you are no longer The Most Wonderful Guy in the World. You are a HUSBAND!

I, too, will undergo a startling metamorphosis. I will no longer be "Lorna's Mom," scuttling around in the background to facilitate your courtship. I will be your MOTHER-IN-LAW. As such, it will be my sacred duty to do everything in my power to upgrade you to the perfect being I had in mind for my little girl.

Life will be easier for you if you choose to abide by our Family Rules of Survival, an inspired document which has remained virtually unchanged since my Great-Great-Great Grandmother Sadie Molotov presented it, tastefully framed, to each of her eleven sons-in-law on their wedding day.

1. Do not presume to make any decision without consulting me. Hell hath no fury like a mother-in-law scorned.

2. Understand that there are limits to your privacy. Lorna was my daughter before she ever dreamed about being a wife. She will eventually tell me everything, including unfortunate comments about me that you may have blurted out in moments of stress.

3. Conserve valuable time by putting my number on your speed dialler. Extended telephone consultations between mother and daughter are absolutely essential, and may not be disrupted for any reason that does not require a 911 call.

4. Invite me over frequently, and don't take no for an answer, no matter how often I protest that you will have more fun without me.

5. Remember that no matter how good a cook and housekeeper your mother is, I AM BETTER.

6. Learn how to interpret messages accurately. For instance, if I say, "Oh, don't worry aabout me," I mean, "If my needs are not met pronto, this situation will become extremely unpleasant."

7. You may not drive my vehicle, except to take it to the service station or the car wash.

8. Don't tell your troubles to anyone, not even a therapist or bar tender. I will find out.

9. Comply with the laws of the land - unless I tell you otherwise.

10. When in doubt, apologize.

There are, of course, many other rules, which you will learn in time on a need-to-know basis. Don't even think of moving to another town or another continent to escape my surveillance - think of the long distance charges (see Rule #3)! Anyway, the day will come when you will be grateful for my baby-sitting services.

With love and eager anticipation,

Martha Mephisto (aka "Lorna's Mom, soon to be your very own Mother-in-law.)

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