by Author Name Withheld 145

Created on: August 01, 2008

Perhaps you've heard this joke before:

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual

What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual

What do you call someone who speaks one language? American

And I fit the stereotype. I am an English-only American. But I'm beginning to think my unilingual-ness could actually be a bad thing. Not because I'm uncultured or uneducated, but because English is a stupid language.

Everyone has played this game with a young child just learning their alphabet.

You: What sound does "B" make?

Child: Buh!

You: Good! What sound does "S" make?

Child: Sssss.

Then they probably giggle because they sound like a snake. And you probably giggle because they're so dang cute!

So in an attempt to relive those precious memories and to prove a point I have played that game with people my age. Turns out, it's a harder game than you might think.

Me: What sound does the letter "Q" make?

Them: Kwuh.

Me: No, "Q-U" makes the "Kwuh" sound. What sound does "Q" make?

Them (After a little pondering): "Kuh"

And then I begin my rant.

"Q" is the most worthless letter in the English alphabet. Not only is it extremely dependent upon the letter "U" but we've already got two letters that make the "Kuh" sound "C" and "K". What do we need a third one for?

Then some pro-Q-ite is flabbergasted at that idea and attempts to defend the superfluous letter. They cite words like "Queen" and "Quail" stating there would be no way to spell those important words.

However, an easy substitute would be "K-W" for the "Q-U", or just a "K" for the "Q". (ie: kween, kueen)

Then the Q-pathizers comment upon the awkwardness of spelling words that way. And then I tell them it's only because they're not used to it. And then they get angry about something or other, and then a fist fight ensues all because they kuestioned the kuality of my alphabetical inkuiry. See? Those words aren't too awkward.

Speaking of awkward, do you know what's awkward? The word "awkward" or "awquard" for all you Q-huggers out there.

I can think of no other word in the English language with a "W-K-W" right in a row. And do you know why there aren't more words with "W-K-W" in a row?

Because that's awkward!

And not only do we have this "W-K-W", we've got "A-W-K-W-A". It's like it wanted to be a palindrome, but just couldn't make the cut.

I bet it tries to get into the palindrome parties but can't. It just has to wait outside until Aibohphobia, Detartrated or Rotavator show up and sneak him in.

It's kind of sad seeing Awkward there, all by itself.

It's like when you see a ghoti that doesn't fit in with the other ghoti.

What? You don't know what a ghoti is? Do you not speak English? Let me explain.

In the word "enough" what makes the "fff" sound? The "G-H".

In the word "women" what makes the "ih" sound? The "O".

In the word "station" what makes the "shh" sound? The "T-I".

Ghoti = Fish

In terms of application, someone can be ghotiing for compliments, or feel like a ghoti out of water. If something is easy, it's like shooting ghoti in a barrel. Fat Tony may warn someone if they don't pay up, they'll be sleeping with the ghoties. And when something doesn't seem right, there's usually something ghotiy going on.

So, I really have no desire to learn any other languages. I'm having a hard enough time making sense of this one.

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