by Ms P. K. Styles

Created on: August 01, 2008

Step One: Cover all the windows with black shrouds, close all the blinds, and then turn on the saddest, more depressing music you can find. I usually listen to Nine Inch Nails that pretty much sends me off the deep end.

Step Two: Get a knife. Nothing says "insanity" like walking around with a big knife. Stare into the reflection on the blade until you start to see things.

Step Three: While listening to the sad lyrics, apply them to all the crap that's happened to you in you life. Reflect on all the people who've hurt you, all the jobs you've lost, all the men or women who've walked out of your life. Think of a pet that died.

Step Four: Start pulling out your hair one by one. Become one with the pain. You don't even have to pull out every single hair: pull out uneven chunks of your scalp. Use your knife to cut big locks off the ends and chew on them.

Step Five: Paint your walls with bright, overbearing colors that clash horribly: Orange with blue, yellow, lime green, bright red. And if you can manage it, paint black swirls on the walls and howling demons or put up posters of violence: people beating each other, decapitating each other, ripping out each other's tongues. You get it.

Step Six: Make sure you did the previous steps in a certain room, then sit in the room and meditate on your crappy life, pull out chunks of your hair, listen to Nine Inch Nails, and play with your knife.

Step Seven: Start hurling your knife randomly at he wall. It will work you up into a violent rage as you think about how your boyfriend cheated on you.

Step Eight: Do illegal drugs. People on illegal drugs always so stupid, crazy stuff.

Step Nine: Spin around and around and around in the middle of the room, foam at the mouth, and beat yourself in the head. With your brains all scrambled up, you'll be on you're way to insanity in no time.

Step Ten: Get a puppy and ignore it. Its shrill screams are sure to help you go insane. Sit right next to the puppy and listen to it wailing and screaming, then let bite you. The pain and the noise will make you scream without end.

Step Eleven: destroy something you really value. Nothing says "straight jacket" like ruining your brand new sports car. Take a baseball bat and smash everything within reach: the window, the dishes, the TV, the wall, the phone, the computer, the lamp. It all has to go. Because once you catch your breath and realize what you've done, your mind will meltdown.

Step Twelve: Go insane

(Please don't take this article seriously. It's all in good fun)

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