by AWayWithWords

Created on: July 31, 2008   Last Updated: August 11, 2011

I used to be,
but I'm not anymore.

I used to have a lovely home;
messy, probably a little dirty and with annoying little draughts,
but it was still home.
But not anymore.

The country road. Their faces, shouts, fading behind me.
The party hadn't ended,
But I have my curfews, and enough respect to stick to them.
I walked away, alone.

I used to have rules to stick to,

ones that I pushed, and rebelled against.
But they were just to keep me safe, they said.
Ironic that it was what let me die.

The road was dark, my phone light feeble.
But it didn't matter. It was too late for anyone to be using it.
My bottle rested still in my hand.
I was going to chuck it away before my parents could see it.
There wasn't time.

I used to have a boyfriend.
The one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
As he was his, with me.
He offered to walk me home, but I let him stay with the party.

Maybe if he had,
we could spend something together,
even if it wasn't life.

The dimmed headlights, the drunken driver.
Not from my venue, one far away.
Didn't see my black top, denim skirt.
But didn't need to.
I was in on the edge, he was in the middle.
Swerve.

Girl down.
Bottle smashed.
Glass still tinkling on the road.
Engine steaming against a tree.
Limp wrist tracing empty space, where his hand had once been.

I used to be a girl,
with a happy home.
A good life,
a steady future.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Alone on the country lane.
Driver dead a few yards away.
Dark closing in.
Cold.
Come on girl. Do this for me.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Alone.

I used to be a girl,
wanting, in life;
to succeed, to have my face known, my name known,
for all the good I could do.

Now I'm a girl,
wanting, near to this death, nothing
But his face, beside me,
his hand in mine.
He'd tell me how cold I was, then wrap his arms around me for warmth.
Like he used to.
His fingers would trace my tears,
take them from my cheeks.
But now they just fell onto cold, hard concrete.
Speckled with my blood, as bone mixed with stones.

Close my eyes, imagine him laying beside me.
I'd whisper, 'I love you, you know? And I'm going to spend forever with you.'
Like I promised.

Open my eyes, cold hard darkness.
Shouts from far away.
So close; yet so far, although I know,
that he would give anything to be with me now.

I know he would.
Because he used to be in love, when I used to be.
But now he has to move on, without me.
And, I, laying here in the night.
Can fall into forget, can sleep beside the past.
Where I used to be.
And never even know it's there.

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