I'm not sure just how to express a love for a mother let a lone expressing Mother's Day without a mother. You see, my mother had passed away when I was five years old. She had Type I diabetes. She was twenty-eight when she passed.

Growing up was hard for me. I was left with my brother and father. I don't remember the touch or smell or anything related to her. I only knew her from the many pictures my father had taken of her. When she had my brother, she didn't have diabetes. When she gave birth to me she had gestational diabetes. From my fathers point of view, she blamed him and I for the diabetes. She didn't understand. She really didn't want another child. My father wanted only one boy and girl and that was it. If he did that, well, then he got what he wanted. Although he didn't know the turn out of it all that was to happen with the diabetes.

My mother would never hold me, change my diapers. Father said that my own mother hated me. he said that she told this to his face! Unbelievable! Of course he told me this once I was grown. He knew if he had told me when I was younger that it would have scarred me more than just being without a mother. My father had to hire someone just to take care of me. This was while my mother was still living. I remember being a sad child most of my childhood after mother had passed away. Growing up was hard. Father did the very best he could to keep me happy. I know it wasn't easy for him to play the roll of father and mother even while she was still alive and after she had passed on.
I was very close to my brother and knew what a fathers love felt like. I'd often wondered what it was like to love a mother. I would see my friends hugging and kissing their mother's on the cheek. I thought how wonderful that was. But, by seeing this, I still didn't know how it felt! I often thought that it had to be a different feeling all together. What was it like to pretend you were grown up by putting on your mother's clothes? I would play with my friends and they would do this with their mother's clothing. It felt strange to me and I had a hard time playing. I would then make an excuse to go home, because of this.

I do know one thing though, I did wonder how I would be if I'd had children later in life! Would I be cold to them or try not to be like my mother only because I didn't experience a mothers love? Well I do have two daughter's in their thirties and I know how it is to share my love as a mother. They share Mother's Day with me and who could ask for anything more?

Learn more about this author, Linda C. Turman.
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