by Lynette Alice

Created on: July 29, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

It's difficult to talk about addiction without dredging up pain. It's been over fifteen years since I was with my previous spouse whom was a cocaine addict and still time has not healed all the wounds, they are still in many ways too fresh and maybe they aways will be. In regards to many things, even myself, I have often heard people say love the sinner but hate the sin and many times people encouraged me to love the addict but hate the addiction. I wish I could say I was a big enough, compassionate enough, loving enough person to do that but it just isn't reality. Not yet at least. I am filled with hate for the addict and addiction far too much.

I had a wonderful relationship with a woman I wholly loved. I can't remember a time when there was ever a need she had that went unmet and rarely if ever any desire that was unsatisfied, so in some regards I was an enabler even if I didn't conciously know it or want to admit it. Life was starting out in that story book fashion, almost a fairy tale of two young people full of love living in a paradise setting with so much early success in life and so much more to come. I thought it was all that at least, but the reality was far different.

I was well aware my love had a substance abuse problem dating to a time prior to our meeting. Throughout our courtship this had been discussed and I was assured it was a thing of the past and saw no evidence to make me believe otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes, I had certainly made plenty so who was I too judge? I, in my naivete, believed love was enough to keep her from temptation and off cocaine. When I saw she had relapsed in a way, smoking pot specifically, I was a little concerned but I told myself it wasn't cocaine and these were very different drugs so there was no real harm. I admit I enabled her in this regard.

I watched a progression of seeing more and more money slowly drain from our savings, all the more exasperating since she quit her job and I had to take on a second just to keep us viable. Still I told myself it's not cocaine. I watched things like the grocery budget stretch far less than it used to, new people in her life that had to raise concern. Still I just didn't see it or more accurately didn't want to see it. Every inch of logic, every tell tale sign was there but I couldn't face the fact that cocaine had re-entered her life which meant even though I wasn't using or physically purchasing it, it had entered mine as well. I didn't want to face what that said about

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